The Feud With Flab

Last night, I looked into the mirror & returned to the awful place I'd been many times before - disgust, guilt, shame & anger. Yes, I was (& still am) bitter with myself. After having Ezekiel, I found myself weighing 40 lbs. less than I had weighed in years. I could not believe (nor could anyone else) that I was not going to be in a battle to lose weight after giving birth. WHAT? I somehow gained hardly anything during the entire pregnancy & managed to actually lose a ton after? That was pure craziness. I was the envy of many women who were not so fortunate. No idea how such happened but I was elated about it. I looked better than I had in years & most important, I was feeling 10 times better. I was able to walk without tiring, go up the steps without sounding like a dog breathing heavily when I reached the top, I could get up & down easily without discomfort. I was fitting into clothes that I'd been unable to wear for several years & many of my clothes were coming with more wiggle room. That was then...5 months ago - even 4 months ago. This is now...

Now, 2 months after returning to work from Maternity Leave, I find that my face looks fuller once again. My clothes are tightening. I don't have as much energy. My feet hurt. I'm back to sounding like a panting animal after climbing the steps in our home. I find myself furious because I've allowed myself to go back to where I had been.

For many, they eat to find comfort when they are hurting, something to do when they are bored & the list goes on - emotional eaters. I gotta say, I just eat because truly, I love food. I love the taste of it, I enjoy trying different types of foods, tasting various flavors. If I'm being honest, if someone were to give me options of things to do all-expense paid, I'd probably want to visit as many restaurants as possible to try them out. If I had the writing ability & the knowledge, I'd probably have a blast being a food critic.

As I had a pity party for myself, I invited my husband to join me (OK, I may not have invited him as much as he felt sorry for me & joined me). I am so very thankful to have a husband that loves me regardless of what I look like, how much I weigh. No matter what, he sees me as beautiful & seeks to build me up with his words. Last night was no different. As we began to talk, we talked about our son. I shared that I don't want to die early because I am so overweight that my poor health leads me to death of a heart-attack, stroke or something. I also don't want to be living but live in misery because I'm too fat to play with my child. I don't want to be so big that I can't get in the floor to roll around with him or be so large that I can't go on walks with him or be so huge that I can't fit in a ride at an amusement park with him. Zekee should not have to suffer in his childhood because of his parents neglect to care for themselves. The thought of not being around to watch my little boy grow or having to sit inside & watch him from the windows...makes me want to bawl my eyes out.

The more NP & I talked, the more determined we both became - we have got to change. We have got to quit eating sweets as frequently (though I'm more guilty on that one), we have to watch our portion sizes, we have to drink more water, we have to go for walks or exercise regularly. We must hold one another accountable because we love one another & because we love our sweet son. NP said that perhaps when we are tempted to eat something we do not need or eat more than is necessary, we should envision the face of our son & picture him saying, "No no mommy & daddy." Yes, Baby Zeke...mommy & daddy hear the words that you cannot yet utter. We have heard, we are listening & this time, we'll do the opposite of  "children obey your parents" & we'll obey you, the child.

If you think of us, please remember us in your prayers. Seems we have so many things going on with NP starting a new job, us still being new parents, pursuing either beginning a church here or abroad, etc. This is just one more thing to add to the list. Yet, this is critical to anything else we do. While I speak of wanting to do this for our son, we realize that our first reason to do so is because our bodies are a temple of God.  1 Corinthians 6:19-20 states, " Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." Yes, we may not be getting drunk on alcohol or being sexually immoral but our overeating is definitely harmful to us & is without question, sin against a Holy God whether we want to think of it as such or not. With His help, we will honor Him with all that we have, all that we are.