The Feud With Flab

Last night, I looked into the mirror & returned to the awful place I'd been many times before - disgust, guilt, shame & anger. Yes, I was (& still am) bitter with myself. After having Ezekiel, I found myself weighing 40 lbs. less than I had weighed in years. I could not believe (nor could anyone else) that I was not going to be in a battle to lose weight after giving birth. WHAT? I somehow gained hardly anything during the entire pregnancy & managed to actually lose a ton after? That was pure craziness. I was the envy of many women who were not so fortunate. No idea how such happened but I was elated about it. I looked better than I had in years & most important, I was feeling 10 times better. I was able to walk without tiring, go up the steps without sounding like a dog breathing heavily when I reached the top, I could get up & down easily without discomfort. I was fitting into clothes that I'd been unable to wear for several years & many of my clothes were coming with more wiggle room. That was then...5 months ago - even 4 months ago. This is now...

Now, 2 months after returning to work from Maternity Leave, I find that my face looks fuller once again. My clothes are tightening. I don't have as much energy. My feet hurt. I'm back to sounding like a panting animal after climbing the steps in our home. I find myself furious because I've allowed myself to go back to where I had been.

For many, they eat to find comfort when they are hurting, something to do when they are bored & the list goes on - emotional eaters. I gotta say, I just eat because truly, I love food. I love the taste of it, I enjoy trying different types of foods, tasting various flavors. If I'm being honest, if someone were to give me options of things to do all-expense paid, I'd probably want to visit as many restaurants as possible to try them out. If I had the writing ability & the knowledge, I'd probably have a blast being a food critic.

As I had a pity party for myself, I invited my husband to join me (OK, I may not have invited him as much as he felt sorry for me & joined me). I am so very thankful to have a husband that loves me regardless of what I look like, how much I weigh. No matter what, he sees me as beautiful & seeks to build me up with his words. Last night was no different. As we began to talk, we talked about our son. I shared that I don't want to die early because I am so overweight that my poor health leads me to death of a heart-attack, stroke or something. I also don't want to be living but live in misery because I'm too fat to play with my child. I don't want to be so big that I can't get in the floor to roll around with him or be so large that I can't go on walks with him or be so huge that I can't fit in a ride at an amusement park with him. Zekee should not have to suffer in his childhood because of his parents neglect to care for themselves. The thought of not being around to watch my little boy grow or having to sit inside & watch him from the windows...makes me want to bawl my eyes out.

The more NP & I talked, the more determined we both became - we have got to change. We have got to quit eating sweets as frequently (though I'm more guilty on that one), we have to watch our portion sizes, we have to drink more water, we have to go for walks or exercise regularly. We must hold one another accountable because we love one another & because we love our sweet son. NP said that perhaps when we are tempted to eat something we do not need or eat more than is necessary, we should envision the face of our son & picture him saying, "No no mommy & daddy." Yes, Baby Zeke...mommy & daddy hear the words that you cannot yet utter. We have heard, we are listening & this time, we'll do the opposite of  "children obey your parents" & we'll obey you, the child.

If you think of us, please remember us in your prayers. Seems we have so many things going on with NP starting a new job, us still being new parents, pursuing either beginning a church here or abroad, etc. This is just one more thing to add to the list. Yet, this is critical to anything else we do. While I speak of wanting to do this for our son, we realize that our first reason to do so is because our bodies are a temple of God.  1 Corinthians 6:19-20 states, " Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." Yes, we may not be getting drunk on alcohol or being sexually immoral but our overeating is definitely harmful to us & is without question, sin against a Holy God whether we want to think of it as such or not. With His help, we will honor Him with all that we have, all that we are.

24 HRS. = NOT ENOUGH HRS.

Lately, I've been feeling very overwhelmed; discouraged & like a failure as a wife & a mother. Despite my family that would tell me I am doing a great job, I don't feel like it. Returning to work was much easier than I expected it to be. Granted I was not looking forward to it & I still really wish I could just be home with our boy, I've not shed any tears having to come in. Thankfully, my new position has allowed the stress in my life to be reduced significantly & I find myself far less crabby come time to go home. In fact, I've yet to have a bad day. I am grateful for that for if my 8 hrs. at work were sour, that would really make everything worse. Still, I ask for prayer.

I wake up every morning between 6:00-6:30. Some of the mornings I feed Zeke; other mornings, NP feeds him. Regardless, by the time I do everything to get ready in the morning, I'm running out the door (late) rushing to work & often times don't even have enough time to eat breakfast before leaving. I arrive to work, go home on my lunch break & generally when I go home, Zeke is sleeping. Which, no complaints about that...he needs naps. My mom has done well with trying to hold him off until I get home so I can at least see him but sometimes it just doesn't work out & that is OK. I would rather him be well-rested & my mom get a break. I get off daily at 5:15, go home & all I see is the time ticking away. We eat dinner - usually wrapping things up between 6:00-6:30. Then, NP & I have been trying to do our Bible Time right after we eat. That in & of itself has been sometimes good, sometimes a disaster. We include Zeke as we read a story to him & pray over him. However, we find that when we go to read for ourselves & discuss, Zeke begins to fuss. We wind up distracted &/or our time gets cut short or we continue to proceed though not really "hearing" anything. Again, we could leave him in the other room but that is more time away from him. Plus, though he is young & has no idea what is going on just yet, we want this to be instilled in him from an early age - we read the Bible as a family. Like most families, we have chores to do in order keep the house clean. I recently printed a chore chart so that we could attempt to work daily so that things would get done on a weekly basis rather than having to do everything in 1 day & being exhausted. For example, on Monday, NP cleaned the bathroom. Tuesday Night should have been dusting. However, we had other stuff going on & I was tired so I didn't get to it. Last night, instead of vacuuming, I dusted the entire top floor. I'll vacuum tonight. That takes 1/2 hr.-1 hr. depending on the chore. By the time I'm done with that, very little time is left to spend with Zeke before feeding him once more & putting him to bed & tucking ourselves into bed.

All the while, I'm thinking of the things that did not get done, can't seem to ever be done. NP still has no driver's license & at this rate, never will as no one has the time to take him to practice. I'm back to work & he works too. His schedule is limited. Once I get home, I don't have the desire (nor do I think it is right) to leave my mom to watch Zeke while we go for driving lessons. At that point, she's watched him all day long & while she doesn't mind & she loves her grandson, he is our responsibility & not only is it our job to parent him but I long to spend time with him after being away from him all day long. In addition to feeling real guilty because NP's being neglected as far as driving goes, I would like to be walking to maintain my weight. Yet, I don't know when that can fit into a schedule (we have taken a few walks with Zekee before but we have found that being outside at this point really affects his allergies/sinuses. He does not do well with it) - so it doesn't happen & then I get upset about that. I'm sure there are those that would kindly offer to walk with me but in the back of my mind is, "there is no time & I'm not leaving Zeke." Maybe it is hormones or maybe I'm crazy but I look at my little boy & see him growing so fast (too fast) & I already have to miss a lot - I don't want to miss any more than necessary.

We are very fortunate in the sense that in living with my parents, there is more "free" time than there would be if we were out on our own. If we had our own place, it would be our sole job to make dinner. While I cook (& love to do so) when time allows (no one in our home would want to wait for me to get home from work & begin dinner), my mom generally prepares dinner each night. That definitely is helpful as I don't have to think about MORE time away from my son. Thank you, Mom, for that. NP & I both are appreciative.

While little time with Zeke makes me sad, I feel bad for NP too as his time is also limited with me. All of our attention is on our son when we are home & there is not much "us" time.

Not condemning any stay-at-home mom's or dad's (especially since I wish I was one) because in my opinion there is no harder (yet rewarding) job than that which you carry. At this time, doing so is not an option for our family; especially as I'm the primary bread-winner. Though you may sometimes go crazy being around your children all day long & yearn for a break (& I'm sure I might as well if I were in your shoes day in & day out), that is not the point I am at. I am a mom working 40 hrs. a week outside of the home wishing I had more hours in my days. If you too, like me, have experienced motherhood & a job away from home & you have suggestions on time management, how to balance a husband/children while doing everything else - my ears are listening!