24 HRS. = NOT ENOUGH HRS.

Lately, I've been feeling very overwhelmed; discouraged & like a failure as a wife & a mother. Despite my family that would tell me I am doing a great job, I don't feel like it. Returning to work was much easier than I expected it to be. Granted I was not looking forward to it & I still really wish I could just be home with our boy, I've not shed any tears having to come in. Thankfully, my new position has allowed the stress in my life to be reduced significantly & I find myself far less crabby come time to go home. In fact, I've yet to have a bad day. I am grateful for that for if my 8 hrs. at work were sour, that would really make everything worse. Still, I ask for prayer.

I wake up every morning between 6:00-6:30. Some of the mornings I feed Zeke; other mornings, NP feeds him. Regardless, by the time I do everything to get ready in the morning, I'm running out the door (late) rushing to work & often times don't even have enough time to eat breakfast before leaving. I arrive to work, go home on my lunch break & generally when I go home, Zeke is sleeping. Which, no complaints about that...he needs naps. My mom has done well with trying to hold him off until I get home so I can at least see him but sometimes it just doesn't work out & that is OK. I would rather him be well-rested & my mom get a break. I get off daily at 5:15, go home & all I see is the time ticking away. We eat dinner - usually wrapping things up between 6:00-6:30. Then, NP & I have been trying to do our Bible Time right after we eat. That in & of itself has been sometimes good, sometimes a disaster. We include Zeke as we read a story to him & pray over him. However, we find that when we go to read for ourselves & discuss, Zeke begins to fuss. We wind up distracted &/or our time gets cut short or we continue to proceed though not really "hearing" anything. Again, we could leave him in the other room but that is more time away from him. Plus, though he is young & has no idea what is going on just yet, we want this to be instilled in him from an early age - we read the Bible as a family. Like most families, we have chores to do in order keep the house clean. I recently printed a chore chart so that we could attempt to work daily so that things would get done on a weekly basis rather than having to do everything in 1 day & being exhausted. For example, on Monday, NP cleaned the bathroom. Tuesday Night should have been dusting. However, we had other stuff going on & I was tired so I didn't get to it. Last night, instead of vacuuming, I dusted the entire top floor. I'll vacuum tonight. That takes 1/2 hr.-1 hr. depending on the chore. By the time I'm done with that, very little time is left to spend with Zeke before feeding him once more & putting him to bed & tucking ourselves into bed.

All the while, I'm thinking of the things that did not get done, can't seem to ever be done. NP still has no driver's license & at this rate, never will as no one has the time to take him to practice. I'm back to work & he works too. His schedule is limited. Once I get home, I don't have the desire (nor do I think it is right) to leave my mom to watch Zeke while we go for driving lessons. At that point, she's watched him all day long & while she doesn't mind & she loves her grandson, he is our responsibility & not only is it our job to parent him but I long to spend time with him after being away from him all day long. In addition to feeling real guilty because NP's being neglected as far as driving goes, I would like to be walking to maintain my weight. Yet, I don't know when that can fit into a schedule (we have taken a few walks with Zekee before but we have found that being outside at this point really affects his allergies/sinuses. He does not do well with it) - so it doesn't happen & then I get upset about that. I'm sure there are those that would kindly offer to walk with me but in the back of my mind is, "there is no time & I'm not leaving Zeke." Maybe it is hormones or maybe I'm crazy but I look at my little boy & see him growing so fast (too fast) & I already have to miss a lot - I don't want to miss any more than necessary.

We are very fortunate in the sense that in living with my parents, there is more "free" time than there would be if we were out on our own. If we had our own place, it would be our sole job to make dinner. While I cook (& love to do so) when time allows (no one in our home would want to wait for me to get home from work & begin dinner), my mom generally prepares dinner each night. That definitely is helpful as I don't have to think about MORE time away from my son. Thank you, Mom, for that. NP & I both are appreciative.

While little time with Zeke makes me sad, I feel bad for NP too as his time is also limited with me. All of our attention is on our son when we are home & there is not much "us" time.

Not condemning any stay-at-home mom's or dad's (especially since I wish I was one) because in my opinion there is no harder (yet rewarding) job than that which you carry. At this time, doing so is not an option for our family; especially as I'm the primary bread-winner. Though you may sometimes go crazy being around your children all day long & yearn for a break (& I'm sure I might as well if I were in your shoes day in & day out), that is not the point I am at. I am a mom working 40 hrs. a week outside of the home wishing I had more hours in my days. If you too, like me, have experienced motherhood & a job away from home & you have suggestions on time management, how to balance a husband/children while doing everything else - my ears are listening!