This will be a different sort of a blog coming from me. A blog that allows all to see the "real me." This writing will show some of my deep feelings, things usually left for me to keep hidden inside or only share with those closest to me. However, it is a blog that I need to write. The time has come. As you have seen above, there are 2 pictures. You may be wondering who the first picture is of. That, my friends, is a picture of me taken 12 years ago. That was the old me exterior. Today, I look in a mirror to see my reflection & I hate what I see. I write this not for sympathy because I do not want everyone's pity but I write this asking for your help. You may question why I hate what I see. Honestly (& again, please do not feel sorry for me), when I look into the mirror, I see a fat girl. I can safely say that I like my eyes & my smile. Beyond that, I'm not pleased with myself. Growing up, I was never overweight. The first picture was taken the summer before my senior year of high school. Obviously, I was not large then. Now, I look at such pictures & feel sickened by the weight I've put on. I know that most people add some pounds through the years but not like I have. I gained a significant amount of weight after my stroke last year due to being restricted from physical activity as well as losing my job & just sitting around on the sofa daily for 9 months. Such time, left plenty of opportunities for eating-which I did not turn down. Though I would like to blame everything on my stroke, I am unable to do so for I was plenty overweight long before my stroke ever happened. Exercise has never been my strong suit-even as a child when I was in good health, I hated PE class. Specifically, running...despised it (still do). Which, we now know that the hole I had in my heart could have been a contributing factor to why I hated PE-my heart had to pump that much faster. I have always had a fast heartbeat & that continues on today. With no activity at all, if you were to check my heart rate, it is likely that it would be around 120. I have had motivation to lose weight over the years. Unfortunately, not for the right reasons necessarily. In the past, I've been guilty of having the notion that if I lost weight, I might be more attractive to guys & then, perhaps, someone would desire me. I might finally fall in love & marry. Though I am sure such might be true, I now realize that if a guy was going to be interested in me only if I looked a certain way, than he would not be the guy God would have in store for me to begin with. I desire a man that will love me for who I am on the inside. That in mind, the need to lose weight is no longer for the sole purpose of trying to attract the male species. As I switched out clothes between seasons last year, I found that I had gained so much that a majority of my clothes no longer fit me. Even more upsetting at the time was the fact that my sister was able to put my clothes on & them be baggy on her. For years, Haley was bigger than I. No offense to my sister & please do not misunderstand me as I'm very glad that Haley herself had lost weight but as I sat there & watched her wear my clothes, I was disturbed. As Haley laughed & "Yahoo'd" over it all, I sat nearly in tears. Of course, as my sister, Haley hurt with me & for me. During a baby shower we hosted in the summer of '07, there were numerous pictures of me. One, was taken from my right side capturing my face. When I saw the picture, I immediately insisted that the picture never be shown to anyone because it was so humiliating. However, I did print the picture & post it on the refrigerator as a reminder to me-a reminder that I hated seeing myself so large. I had hoped that it would inspire me to think before eating. Unfortunately, it did not work. I have never been a big fan of shopping-even when I had no problem finding clothes that fit. Now, I walk into a fitting room, try something on & quickly put it back on the hanger to go back out onto the rack. I don't like how anything looks on me. Shopping for clothes is an exhausting chore that only reminds me yet again that, "Oh, I'm fat." I will not tell how much I weigh but it goes without saying, it's well over what a person my age & height should weigh. I continue to have to buy larger sizes & keep having to say goodbye to old jeans that I can barely pull past my hips, etc. If you know me well, you know that I'm not all about keeping up with the latest trends or high on fashion. I will say though, that it would be nice to be able to wear some of the "cute" clothes if I wanted to. In addition to simply not liking my appearance & the fact that dressing myself is an issue, my health should be motivation enough for me to lose weight. As everyone knows, at 28, I suffered a stroke & a TIA. Most likely, neither would have been prevented simply by weighing 140 lbs. vs. what I actually weighed (because of the fact that I have a gene mutation that causes me to have more blood clots & I had the hole in my heart) but my risk for future strokes, heart problems & so forth could be decreased greatly by loss of weight. On top of my already having experienced these problems, my mom is a Diabetic as are several other family members. While in the hospital myself, I was tested & the results showed that I was borderline Diabetic then. All of these things taken into consideration, I HAVE got to do something about this. I am still young (kind of) & yet, I feel winded after just walking up a flight of stairs. The thought of having to park a fair distance away & walk to a destination makes me tired. I go to the ballpark, sit down in the seat & swear that the seats have shrunk-all the while knowing that such is not true-I've just gotten larger. A number of years ago, I joined Curves & was making progress with losing weight & was feeling better in general. That was all put to an end after I was in an automobile accident & the suggestion was made that I not return back to Curves as the equipment being used there was putting greater stress on my back, etc. Last year, my cousin & I planned to e-mail one another daily & share what we had eaten, how many calories we had taken in & much more. While it was helpful, it only lasted for a while before we quit. I joined a gym last March & went a few times a week for the first couple of months. I was amazed at how rejuvenated I felt after going (I have been tested for anemia & many other things before because I am always very tired). I was pleased with myself for sticking with it & for working hard while I was there. As summer approached, my visits to the gym became less frequent. I last went in August & was only in there for about 10 minutes & yet, I felt like I was going to die. I walked out the door & have made every excuse in the book not to go back. As I sit here at home, the monthly fee is charged to me while I do nothing. Tomorrow, I will set out to change some things. I do not know yet which nights I will go but I will attempt to make it to the gym at least 3 times a week & remain there for at least a hr. at each time. Which, for me, is a huge challenge because there is NOTHING about exercising that is remotely inviting or exciting to me. To me, it's dreadful. I will begin to watch what I eat. Though I will not deprive myself of certain things, I will not eat them as regularly. I don't believe I am an emotional eater--whether or I'm happy or sad has no effect on my eating habits. Quite frankly, I just love food & love to eat. I don't dislike healthy foods-in fact, I love green beans. That's fairly healthy wouldn't you say? I have no problem eating foods that are good for me it's just making the choice to get grilled chicken over fried chicken, to get veggies over fries. For me, proportion is my main problem. While everyone else at a table will be talking about how stuffed they are & how they should not have eaten so much, oftentimes, I could still keep eating. My family is shocked when they hear me say the words, "I'm full." I am sharing all of this for a reason. Again, I do not wish for anyone to say, "Poor Heather." I don't want anyone to think I'm in a deep depression as that is not the case either (as I told my mom that I was writing about this issue, she immediately wanted to know if I was depressed). I am asking you, as my friends, will you be willing to help me out. I cannot do this on my own. I have tried things on my own in the past & have failed miserably at them. At which point, I sadly refuse to get up & try again out of fear of not succeeding. I am asking you to join me. If you feel led, would you be willing to commit to praying for me once a week? Will you take one day out of your week-just a few minutes during your day to remember me in prayer? I am asking for help, accountability, prayer & encouragement. Why would I write & ask for such? I have seen firsthand the power in prayer. Secondly, if I have people asking me how I'm doing regarding this matter, the more likely I will be disciplined enough to stick with my plan. If I must report how things are going, I will think twice before doing certain things. We all know that there are 7 days in a week. Though it would be wonderful to have more than 7 people in prayer for me, 7 would be great. If you would be willing to spur me on, would you please let me know. Please pray that as I begin this, I would also see myself as God sees me-not how I see myself. God sees me as beautiful-not an ugly fat girl. Also, if there are any of you that are facing the very thing I am facing & you share my emotions & wish to do something about it, please let me know. We can be of encouragement one to another. This has been a long one, I know. I thank you for reading it. This has not been easy for me to write as I don't open up to many-I can be quite reserved. I thank you in advance for the prayers you'll pray for me.
