Simply...Not Fair!!

Earlier this afternoon, I walked outside to a mildly cool 37 degrees with barely any wind. As I listened to the radio, I heard that the temperature should be around 54 tomorrow. I sign onto facebook lastnight & catch a glimpse of snow in a photograph & I wonder to myself..where is that? I click on the picture to find that the beautiful winter wonderland was in the backyard of my friends Jon & Jen's home in North Carolina. Here in St. Peters, we've not even had an inch of snow yet-we've barely even had a few dustings. Meanwhile, my good buddies in NC are sledding & having a blast in 8 inches. This simply is not fair! I know that life is not always fair but come on now, when's it gonna be our time? Granted I have no one to go out & play in the snow with me, I still would like to be able to enjoy the fluffy stuff & the grandeur of it all. Not to mention, the mere thought of 54 tomorrow is already making me unable to breathe. Not really but I'm sure it will pose a problem. For those who do not have sinus difficulties, head to MO & soon, you will experience that which so many of us battle regularly. I wonder, am I the only one not thrilled to hear the weather shall be getting warmer? I can't help but question..when the temp shoots back up only to drop back down a week from now (or whenever it does), will I be faced with yet another ear infection? How I hate this back & forth stuff! Let's let winter be winter & let's have winter precipitation in winter & winter temperatures in winter & leave springtime weather for spring!

Sentimentality to the Trash

On Monday, I was off work in honor of Martin Luther King Day. Having not cleaned my bedroom in a rather long time, it was in dire need of attention. Of course, I could not just pick up papers & throw them away-I had to look at them all. I came across old journals filled with sermon notes from years long ago, notes from my personal devotion time, prayer journals filled with my prayers for myself as well as many others (including some of you), journals with my random thoughts & the list goes on. I worked through my closet & found a lot that I had been holding onto for who knows why. I emptied out a container full of old movie stubs, concert tickets, sporting events, etc. A whole bunch of them from the past 15-20 years. If I ever went anywhere with any of you & had a stub or ticket, there was a good chance it was in the pile. On many of them, I had even written the names of those I had went with to the event. I had wrapping paper saved from a few gifts I had been given throughout the years. I had notes passed between friends & I during class in high school as well as slipped through the pews on Sunday mornings. I had a box of letters from friends, birthday cards, encouragement cards, cards in general that I received. As I looked at the pile before me, I wondered...what did I really need all of it for? Sure I could keep it, pull it out & reminisce but that stuff was only occupying space. Though I am definitely sentimental, I had to face the fact-I did not need all of that any longer. Though hesitant, I emptied it all out into the trash can & tomorrow morning when the trash runs, it will be long gone. I saved a few cards from grandparents (especially from my papa & my grandma who are neither one still living) & still have one box of letters that I can't part ways with...a box of letters from a guy. Perhaps one day, I'll be able to empty those as well but for now, I've said goodbye to enough.

Dilly Dallying in Diebergs

Lastnight, I drove down the road to Dierbergs to see what items might be on sale as well as stock up on some other things. I parked up close (though it would have done me good to park further away & walk) & as I was entering in, ran into one of my favorite members at my work. A young man (he's 20 or so) named Adam. Adam is a fellow believer with aspirations of making it in the show business. Last year, he entered into a modeling contest sponsored by different television people, etc. from L.A. Though he did well, he did not win the contest. So, Adam remains here & each time he comes into my work, we joke about how well he'll treat us all when he's rich & famous. It would figure that the one day I barely dried my hair & I put no make-up on & look like a slum, that would be the day I'd run into someone I know. I never see people I know! After chatting with Adam momentarily, I went inside & was pleased to find baby carrots on sale as well as lunch meat (ham & turkey) & some frozen dinner (Healthy Choice & Lean Cuisine). I stocked up on some of those meals, on the carrots, bought some lettuce for salads, cucumbers for snacks, some Low-fat Triscuits & was good to go. I don't know, maybe you or like me, maybe not. As I approached the front of the store, I looked to see the cashiers' faces. I found a familiar face (lady that's worked for Dierbergs for MANY years) & raced to her line. I returned home with some healthier choices for eating & am proud to have stayed away from other areas of the store which would not benefit me (ice cream, cookies). My spur of the moment decision to go to Dierbergs without even a list in my hand could have been disastrous for me but it was not. Thank you God.

A Plea for Prayer Partners

This will be a different sort of a blog coming from me. A blog that allows all to see the "real me." This writing will show some of my deep feelings, things usually left for me to keep hidden inside or only share with those closest to me. However, it is a blog that I need to write. The time has come. As you have seen above, there are 2 pictures. You may be wondering who the first picture is of. That, my friends, is a picture of me taken 12 years ago. That was the old me exterior. Today, I look in a mirror to see my reflection & I hate what I see. I write this not for sympathy because I do not want everyone's pity but I write this asking for your help. You may question why I hate what I see. Honestly (& again, please do not feel sorry for me), when I look into the mirror, I see a fat girl. I can safely say that I like my eyes & my smile. Beyond that, I'm not pleased with myself. Growing up, I was never overweight. The first picture was taken the summer before my senior year of high school. Obviously, I was not large then. Now, I look at such pictures & feel sickened by the weight I've put on. I know that most people add some pounds through the years but not like I have. I gained a significant amount of weight after my stroke last year due to being restricted from physical activity as well as losing my job & just sitting around on the sofa daily for 9 months. Such time, left plenty of opportunities for eating-which I did not turn down. Though I would like to blame everything on my stroke, I am unable to do so for I was plenty overweight long before my stroke ever happened. Exercise has never been my strong suit-even as a child when I was in good health, I hated PE class. Specifically, running...despised it (still do). Which, we now know that the hole I had in my heart could have been a contributing factor to why I hated PE-my heart had to pump that much faster. I have always had a fast heartbeat & that continues on today. With no activity at all, if you were to check my heart rate, it is likely that it would be around 120. I have had motivation to lose weight over the years. Unfortunately, not for the right reasons necessarily. In the past, I've been guilty of having the notion that if I lost weight, I might be more attractive to guys & then, perhaps, someone would desire me. I might finally fall in love & marry. Though I am sure such might be true, I now realize that if a guy was going to be interested in me only if I looked a certain way, than he would not be the guy God would have in store for me to begin with. I desire a man that will love me for who I am on the inside. That in mind, the need to lose weight is no longer for the sole purpose of trying to attract the male species. As I switched out clothes between seasons last year, I found that I had gained so much that a majority of my clothes no longer fit me. Even more upsetting at the time was the fact that my sister was able to put my clothes on & them be baggy on her. For years, Haley was bigger than I. No offense to my sister & please do not misunderstand me as I'm very glad that Haley herself had lost weight but as I sat there & watched her wear my clothes, I was disturbed. As Haley laughed & "Yahoo'd" over it all, I sat nearly in tears. Of course, as my sister, Haley hurt with me & for me. During a baby shower we hosted in the summer of '07, there were numerous pictures of me. One, was taken from my right side capturing my face. When I saw the picture, I immediately insisted that the picture never be shown to anyone because it was so humiliating. However, I did print the picture & post it on the refrigerator as a reminder to me-a reminder that I hated seeing myself so large. I had hoped that it would inspire me to think before eating. Unfortunately, it did not work. I have never been a big fan of shopping-even when I had no problem finding clothes that fit. Now, I walk into a fitting room, try something on & quickly put it back on the hanger to go back out onto the rack. I don't like how anything looks on me. Shopping for clothes is an exhausting chore that only reminds me yet again that, "Oh, I'm fat." I will not tell how much I weigh but it goes without saying, it's well over what a person my age & height should weigh. I continue to have to buy larger sizes & keep having to say goodbye to old jeans that I can barely pull past my hips, etc. If you know me well, you know that I'm not all about keeping up with the latest trends or high on fashion. I will say though, that it would be nice to be able to wear some of the "cute" clothes if I wanted to. In addition to simply not liking my appearance & the fact that dressing myself is an issue, my health should be motivation enough for me to lose weight. As everyone knows, at 28, I suffered a stroke & a TIA. Most likely, neither would have been prevented simply by weighing 140 lbs. vs. what I actually weighed (because of the fact that I have a gene mutation that causes me to have more blood clots & I had the hole in my heart) but my risk for future strokes, heart problems & so forth could be decreased greatly by loss of weight. On top of my already having experienced these problems, my mom is a Diabetic as are several other family members. While in the hospital myself, I was tested & the results showed that I was borderline Diabetic then. All of these things taken into consideration, I HAVE got to do something about this. I am still young (kind of) & yet, I feel winded after just walking up a flight of stairs. The thought of having to park a fair distance away & walk to a destination makes me tired. I go to the ballpark, sit down in the seat & swear that the seats have shrunk-all the while knowing that such is not true-I've just gotten larger. A number of years ago, I joined Curves & was making progress with losing weight & was feeling better in general. That was all put to an end after I was in an automobile accident & the suggestion was made that I not return back to Curves as the equipment being used there was putting greater stress on my back, etc. Last year, my cousin & I planned to e-mail one another daily & share what we had eaten, how many calories we had taken in & much more. While it was helpful, it only lasted for a while before we quit. I joined a gym last March & went a few times a week for the first couple of months. I was amazed at how rejuvenated I felt after going (I have been tested for anemia & many other things before because I am always very tired). I was pleased with myself for sticking with it & for working hard while I was there. As summer approached, my visits to the gym became less frequent. I last went in August & was only in there for about 10 minutes & yet, I felt like I was going to die. I walked out the door & have made every excuse in the book not to go back. As I sit here at home, the monthly fee is charged to me while I do nothing. Tomorrow, I will set out to change some things. I do not know yet which nights I will go but I will attempt to make it to the gym at least 3 times a week & remain there for at least a hr. at each time. Which, for me, is a huge challenge because there is NOTHING about exercising that is remotely inviting or exciting to me. To me, it's dreadful. I will begin to watch what I eat. Though I will not deprive myself of certain things, I will not eat them as regularly. I don't believe I am an emotional eater--whether or I'm happy or sad has no effect on my eating habits. Quite frankly, I just love food & love to eat. I don't dislike healthy foods-in fact, I love green beans. That's fairly healthy wouldn't you say? I have no problem eating foods that are good for me it's just making the choice to get grilled chicken over fried chicken, to get veggies over fries. For me, proportion is my main problem.

While everyone else at a table will be talking about how stuffed they are & how they should not have eaten so much, oftentimes, I could still keep eating. My family is shocked when they hear me say the words, "I'm full." I am sharing all of this for a reason. Again, I do not wish for anyone to say, "Poor Heather." I don't want anyone to think I'm in a deep depression as that is not the case either (as I told my mom that I was writing about this issue, she immediately wanted to know if I was depressed). I am asking you, as my friends, will you be willing to help me out. I cannot do this on my own. I have tried things on my own in the past & have failed miserably at them. At which point, I sadly refuse to get up & try again out of fear of not succeeding. I am asking you to join me. If you feel led, would you be willing to commit to praying for me once a week? Will you take one day out of your week-just a few minutes during your day to remember me in prayer? I am asking for help, accountability, prayer & encouragement. Why would I write & ask for such? I have seen firsthand the power in prayer. Secondly, if I have people asking me how I'm doing regarding this matter, the more likely I will be disciplined enough to stick with my plan. If I must report how things are going, I will think twice before doing certain things. We all know that there are 7 days in a week. Though it would be wonderful to have more than 7 people in prayer for me, 7 would be great. If you would be willing to spur me on, would you please let me know. Please pray that as I begin this, I would also see myself as God sees me-not how I see myself. God sees me as beautiful-not an ugly fat girl. Also, if there are any of you that are facing the very thing I am facing & you share my emotions & wish to do something about it, please let me know. We can be of encouragement one to another. This has been a long one, I know. I thank you for reading it. This has not been easy for me to write as I don't open up to many-I can be quite reserved. I thank you in advance for the prayers you'll pray for me.

The Man I'm Looking For

My Grandma Wood was a woman who would read through the newspaper or a magazine & while reading, relate that which she was reading to family members. It seemed there was no shortage of articles to be distributed amongst everyone. Much to my dismay, I received several of them. Usually, they were things I was uninterested in or took offense to. However, there were a few that I read that I did enjoy & a few that meant something to me. As annoying as it could be for grandma to show up with an envelope in her hand & present it to me (all the while wondering what she had found this time around), I miss getting letters & notes from my grandma. Grandma went home to heaven on February 9, 2005. I definitely possess a lot of my grandma in me. My love for writing, came from her. I think of her often. As I've watched many of my cousin's marry & have children, I think of the fact that my grandma will never see me walk down the aisle. I know that she & my grandpa not only prayed for all of their grandchildren regularly but they prayed that God would send us Godly spouses too. Though that time has come for my cousin's, the time has not come for me yet. Before her death, my grandma had copied a poem out of one of her books by Ruth Bell Graham & she gave it to me. From the day I received it, it has stayed on my mirror in my bedroom. I think that the poem not only describes what I believe my grandma probably prayed for me but it also, in many ways, is my heart on the matter. And so it goes...

Dear God, I prayed all unafraid
(as we're inclined to do),
I do not need a handsome man
but let him be like You;
I do not need one big and strong
nor yet so very tall,
nor need he be some genius,
or wealthy, Lord, at all;
but let his head be high, dear God,
and let his eye be clear,
his shoulders straight, whate'er his state,
whate'er his earthly sphere;
and let his face have character,
a ruggedness of soul,
and let his whoe life show, dear God,
a singleness of goal;
then when he comes
(as he will come)
with quiet eyes aglow,
I'll understand that he's the man
I prayed for long ago.