Oh My, The Horror Of It All!

While at work today, a member brought to life a horrific discovery about myself. Usually, when people attempt to guess my age, they guess incorrectly. Generally, I'm guessed to be an average of 25 years of age. This morning, one of our regular members came in to make a deposit. She was ranting, raving, moaning & groaning over the expense of having a kid in college. She then looked at me & said, "Do you have kids in college yet?" I'm not easily offended but I must admit, I did want to pop her! I controlled myself & politely said, "No, no kids period yet." She left & as I shared this story with my co-worker, I began doing some calculating. I then realized something. I'm old. As I sat there in disbelief that the member would ask me such a jaw-dropping question, I realized that if I had given birth at the age of 13 or 14, I could be the mother of a 17 or 18 year old today. Which, they would either be a senior in high school or a college freshman. My goodness, I am old enough to be the mother of a college-aged student!! Though I've been viewing some of the students I work with as my little brothers, I'm really old enough to be the mother of the some of them. After the reality of all of this set in, so did sorrow. Again, I'm old.

Patience....Say What? You want me to be patient?!

After making the announcement that my thoughts of moving into the mission field are going to be more than just a mere thought now, it seems my life has wreaked havoc. Days after I decided to "surrender", my closest friend/coworker jumped ship to go off to further training with the Army Reserves. I have told him this but want to publicly compliment him....I've worked with many people over the last 17 years or so of my life & while I have developed great friendships & gotten along with most of my coworkers, I've never worked AS well with someone as he & I work together. The knowledge that God is calling me to something else & I can't immediately go to it, is making my time at my job that much more unbearable. Without Zach's presence, the days are far worse. Within the past 2 weeks, I've been overwhelmed with emotions - happiness, joy, excitement, anxiousness, worry, stress & much more. Through it all, I've never lost faith that I'm beginning a journey down an unbelievable road; a road that I am full of enthusiasm over. As eager as I am, I realize I must wait. As I await talking to the Missions Pastor at my church & give great consideration to going through our church's training program to be sent out, I understand that the completion of the program will take a minimum of 36-48 months. In my struggles (primarily at work), I've thought "Honestly, I have to wait 3-4 years?!" However, I know that the program will do nothing but benefit me & better prepare me for the road that lies ahead so that I can best be equipped & fully used by God. Should I choose to go through this particular program, I've MUCH reading to do. I'm ready...so ready. I just want to grab the books & dive in. This morning, as Pastor Bob preached on Joshua, he said something that really struck a chord with me...."Time waiting is not time wasted." In my mind, I've thought that anything other than the mission field is a waste for me. Such is not so as God will continue to use me during these "waiting days" as long as I continue to make myself available to be used for His glory. God, help me to be patient knowing that You have a plan for my being where I am at this very moment & that I must go THROUGH this Jericho to get to my Promised Land. Thanks Pastor Bob for your words of encouragement this morning as well as every Sunday since your arrival at FBCH!

I Surrender - Take Me Lord, I am Yours!

Growing up, I had no interest in anything mission related. Just the thought of having to listen to a missionary speak was enough to nearly bore me to tears. However, as Christ has changed my heart, so has He changed my thoughts, desires, interests, passions & all that I long for. 7 years ago, I felt God calling me to go to Colorado for a week to lead a Vacation Bible School for primarily Hispanic Students. Though frightened & feeling inadequate for the job, I went. God blessed that time. A year later, I found myself a world away - in Taiwan. Again, I was nervous & not certain that I was the best person for the job at hand. Yet, God showed me otherwise. That point was proven when one of the missionaries in Taiwan asked me to pray about moving to Taiwan to join their team. I returned home to St. Louis giving great consideration to what Wes (the missionary) had asked of me. I realized that as badly as I wanted to go, I would have been doing so for the wrong reasons at the time. In 2006, I returned to Taiwan again for a week. My task was the same as the year prior - to use the Bible to teach English to students of all ages. Though the mission was the same both years, the trips were very different for me. At the end of the week, I said my farewells & headed back here to St. Charles....my heart missing the many I had met in just 2 weeks over the course of 2 years. I began praying that God would give me an opportunity to work with Internationals here in my own community. Yet, I had no clue where to look or what to do. As most of you know, I've been volunteering with ISI (International Students, Inc.) since October 2009 & I have loved every second of it. ISI was the answer to my prayer of 3 years. I would hope that the students I've met over the last year & a 1/2 would sense my love for them & know how much I enjoy serving them. My greatest moments come from building relationships with them & loving them because Jesus first loved me. Which, my first mission trip in 2004 to Colorado, my trips to Taiwan, my work with Backyard Bible Clubs, VBS' & now ISI have all led me to where I am at now....longing for something more.

Daily, my thoughts are of the nations. Still, I reflect back to hesitantly walking into to teach the Bible at VBS in Colorado. I remember how scared I was that the kids would not like me & I'd not be able to relate to them as I'd never worked with children. I think about the adorable Joel who took to me immediately & was attached to me for a solid week. I see the beautiful Alejandra's face & in my mind, see the tears falling from her face when we said goodbye. Everyday, I think of my time in Taiwan & the many students I taught - students that I still communicate with via Facebook. They ask, "Teacher, will you come back to Taiwan?" When I'm at work, I'm wishing I was with the International Students from Lindenwood. These are my consuming thoughts. Pastor Bob (the pastor of the church to which I belong) has said on more than one occasion that God is not afraid to make us miserable in order that we would surrender (don't quote me on that...close but not word for word). I have reached that point. I've sat through 2 Mission Conference Weekends at our church over the last few years & have felt like I was to be moving in the direction of full-time missions. I've went & sat in the sanctuary, listened to Pastor Bob preach &have felt very uncomfortable at times because I've felt that he was speaking directly at me & though I heard every word, I was not taking action. Over the course of the last couple of years, I've had a number of people that have questioned me as to why I'm not overseas serving. These persons have seen within me that which I've been running from - the truth that my heartbeat is for the globe & God has made me that way. I've had a lot of excuses. My sister is the one with great faith that just picks up & moves. I am not that person. I've known for quite a long while where my heart is - my heart is with Internationals. Still, I've found a need to debate & tell God exactly why it is I CAN'T do what I believe He wants me to do. I need health insurance. I just bought a car last year & it's not even close to being paid off. I have debts. I don't have a college degree. I'm not smart enough. I don't speak another language. The list could continue for days. This past Sunday, Pastor Bob preached a story that most of us are familiar with - the Story of Noah & the Ark. Towards the end, he told how his son asked him what he would do if God asked him to build an ark. He shared that he hoped he would be obedient & do as God asked. He also said that while God had not asked him to build an ark, he felt that he had an "Noah & the Ark" moment when God told him to leave the job that he had & move his family to Kansas City to attend seminary & pursue ministry. As I sat there on Sunday morning, I KNEW that it was no accident or coincident that I was sitting there. God wanted me in that seat at that very moment to hear that specific message. As he spoke, I knew immediately what my "Noah & the Ark" moment was. As Pastor Bob pointed out, Noah did not debate or question God; he simply did as God instructed. God is not asking me to worry about the details or consider all the "what- if's" I tend to focus on....He's calling me to surrender & trust Him.

With this being said, there are no definitive plans but I have began researching, requesting information & looking into various mission organizations. I will not be on a plane booking it out of the U.S. tomorrow morning or probably even soon. For now, I need to begin to see what the options are, where I sense God leading me (if it is overseas or remaining here in U.S. working with an organization) & move forward. There are definitely a few cultural groups that I've taken a great interest in & I know that God has allowed that for a purpose. Still, I need to let Him direct my steps in this adventure & show me exactly where it is He wants me to be. I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous. However, I know that if it is God's plan for me to "GO", He will provide all that I need & so much more. As I end this, I share the lyrics to Chris Tomlin's song "I Will Follow" as I want to be the one who who says, "God, I'm Yours, whatever You ask of me, I will do." Will you pray for me as I seek to be obedient to the One who deserves my all, my everything?

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow...

All your ways are good
All your ways are sure
I will trust in you alone
Higher than my side
High above my life
I will trust in you alone

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you

Light unto the world
Light unto my life
I will live for you alone
You're the one I seek
Knowing I will find
All I need in you alone, in you alone

In you there's life everlasting
In you there's freedom for my soul
In you there joy, unending joy
and I will follow.

Big Faith

Our pastor has been preaching a series on Spiritual Gifts. As we have learned more about the specific gifts & hopefully discovered our gifts individually, I've come to know that "faith" is not one of my spiritual gifts. While I have faith, I do not have the spiritual gift of faith. I've known that for a long time. However, I do know that there are many that God has given that gift to. At this point in time in my life, there is something that I long for and yet, I have little confidence that God can work in the situation. Yes, I am the "Oh Ye, of little faith" person. I know that God cares about every detail of our life. Both the big things & the small things--the things we deem insignificant our close to His heart because WE are His beloved. While that which is on my mind may seem unimportant to many, I know that it is huge to my Heavenly Father for He desires the very best for me & has my best interest at heart. May I seek to trust that His will, WILL be done in this situation as well as every other area of my life if I will just wholly submit.

Reunited & It Feels So Good

"A brother does not have to necessarily say anything to you-he can sit in a room and be together with you and just be completely comfortable with you." - AnonymousA little over a year ago (on January 12th to be exact), I entered into the apartment of a friend of mine & was introduced to 3 new incoming students from Nepal (Dilesh, Narayan & Ishwor). Though I felt kind of like a mother hen immediately with a need to watch over them & make sure they'd get adjusted, I never would have guessed the effect they would have on me. As I sat there trying to get them to open up to me, I would never have dreamt that I would or could love them so deeply. My bond with them grew quite strong over just a few short months shared together. My heart ached badly when they decided to leave Lindenwood & transfer elsewhere for schooling. Saying goodbye last May was rather difficult as truly, it was as though I was sending off family members-brothers. Every student I meet is special, no doubt about that. However, as with any relationship, there are those that we are naturally closer to. This is true of the many Nepali students that arrived here for the Spring Semester of 2010. Daily, these students still come to mind. Many months later, I still miss them. For the majority of them, I quickly became a big sister. Nearly every day, at least one of them would call me to inquire into whether or not I'd be coming to campus. I may have just been there the day prior but they would want me to come again. Most of the time, I would gladly oblige. We would typically just sit talking with one another. Sometimes, we would watch Hindi music videos. The main thing was just being together. Being far away from their own families, they loved getting to see Haley & me frequently. As I've already mentioned, these students have all gone from here. 2 of the 3 that I first met, moved to Fairfax, VA. As I prepared to vacation in West Virginia, I checked on the distance between where I would be & where those 2 lived. I found they were roughly about 5 hours away. When I first began planning, we were going to meet halfway to spend a day together. However, I soon realized something. In the dead of winter, there was not going to be any sufficient place to meet halfway to spend time together. Most likely, the only place we could meet would be at a restaurant & it was highly unlikely that they would allow us to sit there for more than a couple of hours. Really, to only meet for a couple hours would not be worth the 2.5 hour drive for anyone-especially if one had to battle through snow for the meeting. Narayan rushed to say that he & Dilesh would drive the 5 hours to come visit me in West Virginia. They were determined that we would be meeting. When I landed in West Virginia, the ground was covered in snow. I feared that the guys might have difficulties making it to me. I was ecstatic when my phone rang & it was the two of them calling to say they were just a couple of minutes away from my friend's house. At last, I saw them coming up the road. Already, tears were beginning to well up. I laughed as Narayan attempted to make it up the snow-packed drive-way & was unable to do so. His tires were spinning like crazy. Finally he just backed out & parked on the street. I got huge hugs from both of them & tried oh so hard not to bawl like a baby. The date was January 17th & there I was, reunited with 2 that I love a lot. Narayan had asked me to try to find something we could do...a park to go to, something, anything. My friends that I was staying with mentioned the New River Gorge Bridge to me. Though we got lost on our way there, we did find the place. Before we had even got out of the car, my prediction came true when I heard one of them say, "It's so cold outside." I had told my friends, PJ & Kasey, that the boys would be complaining about how cold it was outside & they'd not want to be out there for long. Too funny - that we weren't even out walking around yet & I had foreseen what would occur! Unfortunately, due to lots of snowfall there in West Virginia prior to my arrival, the park was closed & we were not able to walk to the base of the bridge to look upwards for pics or anything.

The park ranger said they had been closed for a couple of weeks due to the stairs & pathway being covered in ice. We spent a bit of time there anyway just trying to enjoy what we could. As we were there, one of the guys mentioned that he thought it had been exactly a year to the day since I had taken them to the zoo here in St. Louis. I thought for a moment & he was pretty close in his guess - I had taken them on January 17th, 2009. Amazing that right at a year later, we'd be back together. After we spent some time at the park, I checked the guys into their motel room. I'm sure we were all tired since we all managed to fall asleep. Narayan was the first one to take a snooze. Dilesh put on a movie for he & I & low & behold, I looked & he was no longer watching the movie as he had dozed off. Within minutes, I too had drifted off. The noise of some rustling around awakened me & when I looked, I saw Narayan sitting up in his bed looking over at Dilesh & myself. He said, "Let's move, let's go eat." We went to try out the ONLY Indian Restaurant in Beckley, WV. Doing so, really made me wish they were still here so that we could share Indian & Nepali food together often. We hung out some more & at one point, I was afraid the guys might be a bit bored. I asked them if they were bored. Narayan once again brought tears to my eyes with his answer. He replied, "No. How could we be bored? We are with you."

Again, with them, it only matters to be together. I guess it was probably nearing midnight when they returned me to my friend's house. They'd discussed driving back over the following morning to tell me bye. However, as we were out running around, the snow had begun to come down again. Both had to be back in D.C. for classes by noon the next day so they needed to get a move on things. They chose to say their goodbye's to me that night. I had a hard time letting go of them. I only got 1 day with them & yet, those few hours meant the world to me. Neither will ever know how grateful I am that they took the time to come & see me. Happiness was mine during the time we spent together. Though we'd been apart for nearly 8 months, it felt as if nothing had changed. By far, one of the greatest days I've had since they left St. Louis last May. Dilesh, Narayan: I love you both.... a lot. Thanks again for making my day. I'll not forget it.

Up, Up & Away

Having not boarded a plane since July of 2009, my travels to WV were long overdue. When all other options of vacation places failed (haha, sorry PJ & Kasey) & I decided to then come here to mountain country, I then had to decide which route I wanted to take to get here. Flying was obvious but should I go through Chicago or Atlanta? I opted with Chicago simply because the layovers were longer & I have a great fear of things going badly & my missing a flight. For me, the longer I have to catch a plane; the better. St. Louis was to get snow around the time of my departure & I was nervous that my flight might be delayed or cancelled. Thankfully, neither were the case. I made it to Chicago O'Hare just fine & all went smoothly getting to the next gate. I had a couple of hours to kill before the plane was slated to take off to get me here to WV. I joined many in watching the Bears vs. Seahawks playoff game. Being in Chicago made the intensity of the game a bit more exciting though I really had no preference as to a team to win. I was a bit surprised when over the P.A. system came an announcement that there would be a interdenominational Christian worship service in Terminal 1 at 11:30 a.m. Maybe all airports do this & I was just unaware? Had I not have been in a completely different part of the airport, it may have been interesting to go & check it out. I, however, did not venture that direction. While sitting there, I got teary-eyed when there was another announcement asking everyone to welcome back a Staff Sgt. that was returning from Iraq. They played God Bless America over the system & people began to cheer & clap for the soldier who had finally made it back onto American soil. I only wish I could have seen the celebration when he was reunited with his family. Having been at the airport for a while, it was time to use the facilities (aka, the bathroom). When Haley & I were kids, we used to inspect every bathroom everywhere we went & rate it. I remember my dad even making us up a checklist to carry around with us...guess he found humor in what we were doing. Haley would have LOVED this bathroom. I was fascinated by the toilet & honestly, I nearly got my camera out to video that which was before my eyes. Perhaps I just don't get out much & lead a shelter life but did you know they make automatic toilet seat covers? Yeah, not even kidding. I made my way into the stall dragging all of my carry-ons with me & immediately saw a sign instructing me on usage of the toilet. Wave hand over the sensor & when doing so, watch in amazement as the seat cover rotates. I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E! Definitely the highlight of O'Hare. St. Louis is not so advanced yet. My flight was to leave at 1:49, boarding at 1:30. At 1:30, I was still sitting at the gate. Flight delayed due to aircraft delay. Rescheduled departure? 2:00. 2:00, still sitting there. Flight delayed again. At last, 2:10, I boarded the plane. A quick 1 hour & 3 min. flight to WV & we touched down on the runway & I saw the smallest airport I think I've seen to date - Yeager Airport here in Charleston, WV. Thus the beginning of my WV adventure.

My Brother, Durga dai

For those reading, you may wonder when I acquired a brother. While I have many brothers now, I have only one big brother. No, we were not separated at birth (to my knowledge, my mom never birthed a son!). In fact, we only met a little over a year ago. I can't recall our meeting place. I only remember thinking that the individual standing before me was someone special. Over the last year, I have come to know just how remarkable Durga is. Like many of my new found friends, Durga is from Nepal. Different from others, he is older than me. "Dai" in Nepali refers to an elder brother. Just as many Nepali's refer to Durga as "dai", so do I. With age comes maturity. Maturity and wisdom. Durga has always been quick to help & ready to listen whenever I've needed a friend or someone to talk to. In addition to his "being there", he is someone from which I love to learn things from. At one time, Durga was a translator in his country. As I desire to learn Nepali, he's been patient in trying to teach me as well as giving me resources that can be of assistance to me. Durga dai to many, appears to be a quiet, timid, reserved individual. He can be all of those things. However, with me, he's extremely funny, talkative and loads of fun. If you were to ask many of the Nepali students to name people that they had utmost respect for in their circle, you would surely hear Durga's name. I have great trust & admiration for Durga dai. When my journey with Nepali persons began I started hearing about Everest Cafe (the only Nepali Restaurant in St. Louis). I'd hoped to go for a long time but never was able to make it. Finally, after a year, I made it there. My first trip there was with my brother. I am so glad that I was able to go with someone so dear to my heart. One day, Durga will leave St. Louis. On that day (& many days after), I'll be sad. When that time comes, I'll know that I've not only made a friend for a lifetime but I, for a short time, enjoyed life with the big brother I'd always longed for. For now, I'll continue to grab hold of every second I can spend with Durga, cherishing every moment.