To Stay or Not to Stay?



Food? No thank you, I've got crayons to eat!

Cheesing it up at our garage sale a month ago!

 

This post is long overdue & much needed. Much has happened since I last wrote & we are excited to share how God has worked & continues to work in our lives. As most of you know, we moved nearly 3 months 
ago. Doing so has proven to be beneficial for our family but has definitely required some adjustment. For me, moving was not difficult but different. I had never not lived with my mom & dad. I was adapted to being with them day in & day out – even after marriage. For the first month or so, both NP & I found ourselves missing the only "home" we had known here. Though happily married & loving our time with one another, "just us" (+ Zeke) was uncharted territory that we had not traversed before & it was almost as though we didn’t know what to do. Not to fear, we’ve since discovered that the hours in our day seem to go away from us all too fast as we have very little time to sit & ponder what to do. Moving out has made me that much more appreciative of my mother & the many meals she prepared for me day in & day out. I know how tiresome it is to come home & then have to cook. I’ve a feeling I’m not the only one out there that experiences such! We have enjoyed having company over whenever we want & knowing that we’re not disturbing anyone. Zeke is beyond happy to have the run of the place & go wherever he wants (though he is now being locked out of our bedroom as he has figured out how to open the door, make it to the bathroom & kindly place all kinds of things in the toilet be it his stuffed penguin, bags of Instant Mashed Potatoes, Socks, Foam toys, etc.). In addition to his freedom here, he is absolutely loving seeing all the dogs in the neighborhood. A dog park is coming soon & though there is no playground here, I’m sure we will spend hours at the dog park with Zeke pretending to bark & longing to pet every dog that comes along! I am planning to soon try to open our home to the ladies within our building for dessert & fellowship – just a time to get to know the women & hopefully begin to establish relationships. We said before we moved that we wanted our home to be HIS home where we would minister to people & we are eager for the opportunities to do so.

As some of you may remember, about a year ago, we discussed the possibility of moving to Mumbai to serve. We were discussing a number of things but there was one dark cloud hanging over our heads – debt. Debt was the obstacle standing in between us doing anything that we felt God calling us to. Our debt needed to be paid off (or at least reduced significantly) before we could even consider anything. PRAISE GOD, the debt was paid off in March. Granted we still have a few small Medical Bills that we are taking care of, the huge dollar amount that loomed over is no more. With that being said, we wanted to begin conversations once again about ministry. We had been talking about moving to Nepal or India or staying here to work with Nepalese or Indians. However, in a way that only God could do – He revealed to both NP & myself (individually but at the same time through different means) that though we love Indian People & want all persons to know Christ as Lord, our hearts are most burdened for the People of Nepal – be it those that are in Nepal or those that are here in the U.S. We knew in that moment (& now) that God would have us work with Nepali People. The next big decision was to decide if we believed the Lord was calling us to go to Nepal or to share the Gospel with Nepalese here. As we prayed & talked, we sensed that for this time, the Lord would have us remain here. Here in St. Louis or where you may ask? That part we do not know. We only know that for this season, we are to be here in the U.S. Deciding such is not easy – our hearts long to see family in Nepal; we know Grandma & Grandpa in Nepal (as well as aunts & uncles) deeply desire to meet Ezekiel. This is not say that 2 years from now God may not give us instructions to move there, or 10 years from now He may ask us to do so. We do not know. We simply trust that for now, He wants us to be here & we trust that He has work for us to do here. Hopefully, we will at some point be able to at least visit Nepal even if only for a couple of weeks. Now, if you will….

Please join us in prayer. We recently had a meeting with some wonderful exhorters of the faith & they are assisting us. They currently are researching the demographics to find where there are large populations of Nepali Persons in the State of Missouri. We are aware that there is a great number here in Saint Louis (though not here in Saint Charles), some in Cape Girardeau, Kansas City & Rolla. Meanwhile, they are looking to see if there are more elsewhere. Where these populations are, they are seeking whether there may be an established Nepali Church or not. As they research, NP & I are praying to God for direction as to where He would have us go – be in here, elsewhere in the State or outside of Missouri. NP has a Masters of Divinity & Bachelors of Theology – he loves to preach & teach & God has gifted him to do so. Our sweet friends that we met with tried to help me understand the ache in NP’s heart as he is not fulfilling the calling God has given him. Likewise, though I’ve no degree, God has gifted me in certain ways & I long to be able to use those gifts fully. At this time, the question becomes…is there an existing Nepali Church that may have a position for NP to step into to serve as a Pastor or is there an area in which no Nepali Church is present but God would guide us to build His church there?

We are excited – excited for what God has in store with us. We continue to rejoice in all He has done for us, provided us with & the love, grace & mercy He extends to us daily. I am that person that wants all the details – who? What? When? Where? Why? How? As our sweet friend reminded us, God calls us to walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). We choose to trust Him & the plans He has for us. As we do so, will you join us in prayer? Things to pray for:

Opportunities in our current state (be it in our work places, our neighborhood, etc.)


That we would continue to earnestly seek Him, be on our knees before Him & in the Word.


That God would make clear to us where He wants to use us & that we would follow in obedience trusting Him to provide all that we need to do so.


NP’s Visa expires on 9/24/16. We are gathering necessary documents to submit to Immigration to remove the conditional status of his residency so that his visa will then be extended. We do not anticipate any issues (especially since we have a child together & have plenty of evidence to show that we are still married & living together) but the more documents we can provide, the greater our chances are for not having to face another interview. We just received the notification yesterday that we may apply for between 6/24 – 9/24. I’ve already retrieved over half the information needed & have the rest on the way in hopes of being able to mail it in the first week of July. Please pray that all would go smoothly.


Some dear friends with hurting hearts that we are ministering to. We are praying that as we love on them & share the Good News that they would be receptive to the Gospel.


That we would be granted time off work to travel to Denver for vacation. Since NP began working, he’s not really had a vacation & we’ve not been anywhere other than AL since Zeke arrived – we could use some time away together as a family, NP has a good Nepali friend from his college days that lives in Denver & what better place to admire God’s handiwork than in the Rocky Mountains?


Our precious Ezekiel – for continued good health & growth & that we as his parents would strive to discipline him lovingly, teach & encourage him. So cute it is when we sit down at the table for dinner & before we do anything else, we look to see Zeke putting his hands together ready to pray. What a blessing it is to our hearts to know that he is understanding & if we nearly forget ourselves, there is our little guy there to remind us as he patiently waits with his hands clasped together.

We cannot begin to thank you enough for faithfully praying for us even when you may not have heard from us in a while. We are most appreciative of you, our brothers & sisters, who stand beside us interceding on our behalf. As always, if you have specific requests that you wish for us to pray for, we would love to join you in doing so. We would love to rejoice with YOU as you share with us the marvelous works He has & is doing in your lives.

Jesus & Mini-Blinds

Raise your hand if you've experienced the continual chasing around of a wee little lad (or lassie)? Whew! That is our present phase. As Zekee scurries over to Grandma's laptop resting on the floor & begins to chew on the power cord, it's, "No Zeke, NO!" Pick him up, sit him in the middle of the floor with his toys & now we're onto the fireplace where he's crawled up to remove candles. Again, "Zekee, no, no!" Back to the center of the room he goes. I've turned my head one moment at he's now at the end table reaching for the GLASS Candy Jar where he's soon to hit his head on the corner of the table as well as more than likely, knock the candy jar off, break it, be surrounded in shattered glass all while trying to shove his mouth full of M&M's (fortunately this has not happened...yet). Here we go again, "EZEKIEL, NO!!" Finally, I can take a breath. Nope, hold on...now he's at the TV pulling the cabinet doors open - he's now smashed his fingers in between & is screaming with tears pouring down his face. Surely he's learned a lesson. OK, maybe not. He's back at it again. This time, pressing the buttons on the DISH Network box ready to cut our programming off for the night. I've stepped away for 5 seconds & when I left he was gnawing on his socks that he'd removed from his feet. Not the best of ideas but hey, at least he's not bothering anything that he shouldn't be. I've walked back in sight to find his interest in his socks has passed & he's yanking on the mini-blinds. Great...now he's broken them...snapped a blind right into two. Every time we turn around, we're saying "No, no, no, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Yes, this is our life right now & the above mentioned have all taken place over the course of these last few days. After feeling frustrated with the fact that Zeke had broken the mini-blinds & we now get to spend money replacing them for my parents, I began to think. Parenthood is unveiling my eyes to the Father's love for us in ways like my eyes have never been opened before. How many times do we embark upon a territory where God has graciously put red flags, caution signs & even stop lights to tell us "NO" & just as little Zeke does with us, we turn around, smile & continue about our business because curiosity has gotten the best of us or what we see looks too appealing to walk away from? Our Heavenly Father has given us guidelines to follow not out of anger towards us but out of love for us - to keep us clear of danger, of things that may harm us. We are quick to cry out in agony when we're suffering yet we have no desire to look into His face when He says, "No, no my beloved child, stay away from there or you'll get hurt" & walk away then letting out a sigh of relief & gratitude thanking Him for his warning to us & His love that is so deep that He desires the very best for us. Now, by no means am I saying that God does not allow us to walk through trials. He's assured us in His Word that it is not a matter "if" trials will come our way but rather, promises that they will & that He will walk with us through each one of them. What I am saying is, there is a lot of pain that could be prevented if we would simply listen & obey instead of giving God a "Hey, I'm gonna do this anyway!"

As I mentioned, my frustration was great over the blinds (I'd be lying if I said it wasn't still - I'm deadest on him not destroying anything else). Patience has never been my forte' . I'm reminded though, to be like Jesus is to be patient. Patience = Love. At times, I just want to know what I can do to get Zeke to obey. I want to know why he won't leave things alone (I know why...he's a typical 9 month old explorer!). I'm reminded of how many times in a day I disobey the very One who has blessed NP & myself with our lil' man. Sadly, those times far outnumber the times Zekee has to be gotten onto in a day. Still, the Lord doesn't get angry at me. He doesn't scream & yell losing every ounce of patience. No, He is loving, compassionate - as Psalm 103:8 states, "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love." Just as we tell our sweet Ezekiel, "No" & pick him up, hug him & let him know how much we love him, our Father does so repeatedly without us recognizing it. Thank You, Father, for Your mercy extended to us even when we run the opposite direction from You. Help me to be patient, loving, compassionate, slow to anger & merciful to our precious son. Less of me, more of  You. Thank You for using our little ball of energy that is constantly on the go, go, go to awaken me to old truths about You that I so needed reminded of. Now, onto pondering Christmas presents & how these will stay neatly wrapped (or wrapped at all) in the presence of Mr. Inquisitive...Haha!

Think Before You Speak & Then, Just Stay Quiet!

Over the last few weeks, I've come upon several situations that have led me to speaking up at this time. My hope is that I will cause some of you to think about what you have to say & leave it at that - a thought. To let that "I wonder" thought stay within your mind trusting that your prodding is not needed & may not be appreciated or helpful. My prayer is that you would allow God to work in lives knowing that He is does need your assistance & that His timing & plans are ALWAYS perfect.

What am I talking about you may say? How many of you see a couple that has been married for more than a few years & you badger them about hurrying up & having babies? Or, if you are not spurring them on as their cheerleader to get to business, you simply feel the need to ask if they plan to have children?

Yep, I've been there. I've been that person that has let my curiosity move from my head to my mouth & come out to people that would much preferred that it wouldn't have. You may be confused still at where I am going with this so allow me to explain...

Years ago, our family harassed particular family members about having kids - they'd been married for 8 or 9 years & we all know that is far too long to wait (since we are experts). Finally, at last...they announced they were expecting their first child. I'm sure that many wanted (& may have) shouted, "It's about time!" Little did we know that for all those years, they had been trying to conceive & were unsuccessful. We never knew (until they told us) that every time we said something, we were putting daggers into their soul. That which they longed for, prayed for & hoped for was not coming to pass & the rest of us were too busy bothering them (you know, wishing for a baby in the family & encouraging them that they should "WANT" to produce that baby)to realize that perhaps that was not God's plan for them at that time. While they certainly were under no obligation to broadcast that they were continually trying & ask us to all shut-up, they probably were longingly wishing that such would be the case. Had we have known the info. during those years, I'm sure we would have done things much different - we would have been praying & grieving alongside of them. Though, we did not know. Which, not knowing still does not excuse our actions. Better to just assume that we never know what is transpiring in someone's life or lives & simply be there as we always have been allowing individuals to share with us if or when they are ready.

Why am I writing this today? Today, I logged into Facebook to see that yet another one of my friends (the 7th one) has miscarried. Over the last 1.5 years or so, I've now found that a total of 10 babies have been taken home to heaven early due to either miscarriage or premature birth. Some of these ladies having gone through the pain twice. Some have shared their loss with Facebook others have shared with close friends keeping their loss private from Social Media. Recently, I was visiting with a friend who is expecting. As we were catching up, she was saying that the same week she learned she was pregnant, her baby sister miscarried. So, as her sister was sitting in one corner with a broken-heart, she had to find some way to try to tell her sister & other family members that she was pregnant. I thought to myself, I wonder how many people without thinking have gone to her sister to ask her when she's going to have a baby & have either been silenced by her stating that she had lost one or she keeps quiet? Either way, I'm sure she has repeatedly dealt with such & like my family members who longed to have children, buries the pain deep inside. I'm sure she's rejoicing with her sister for the new life that will soon enter the world but at the same time, there is heartache in knowing that she carried a child within & that her child would soon be arriving too.

That is just one situation. I've got another. Not long ago, I was at a party with people I'd not seen in many years. Of course, all were eager to meet NP & Baby Zeke. As we were making our rounds, an old friend came up to another friend of ours - a friend who is in a marriage that is basically dead. Our old friend asked this friend where her better-half was & she replied, "He's at work." This dear friend then asked her if they ever plan to have kiddos. Knowing the situation of our friend, my heart hurt for her (knowing how she desperately would love to be a mother but realizing that bringing a child into the world into a marriage falling apart with a man who would not be the father she desires) as she regretfully said, "I'd like to but probably not." For the rest of the time we spent with her that evening, she was fairly melancholy. You could see the wheels of hurt just spinning in her head (& heart).

I'm thankful that I've never had to experience such agony but for those who have lost children &/or may never have children (be it because of the relationship they have been told that medically, they may never conceive...which, of course is not always absolute as the Lord proved in my own case), they deal with enough. I have a couple of friends who have suffered loss & been told since that they will never be able to have children. Attending baby showers is difficult for them, watching pregnant women walk around is hard, hearing expectant ladies complain about how "fat" they are angers them as they would give anything to be carrying a little one inside. They go through plenty without people asking them questions about things that are probably not their business to begin with anyway.

I am sure that many of you may be well-intentioned (nothing wrong with wanting a Grandbaby or a niece or nephew) but if the Lord wants you to be a Grandparent, Aunt, Uncle or whatever, He will cause that to happen in HIS timing, not YOURS! You may have never given any thought to asking someone these things & most of you would be so sorrowful if you knew that you shot a bullet into someone's already wounded heart by asking them. I'm sure you would feel broken over knowing that while someone you love is battling, you were only making things worse. Yes, none of us that truly care abut a person would do so intentionally (I hope not at least) but I'm hoping that by my maybe pointing out the not-so-obvious, we might back off & allow God to be God. With that comes the knowledge that some of the people we love may be questioning, "Why has God allowed this to happen?" or "Why is God not gifting us with a child?" The best thing we can do it not worsen their pain by trying to reason with them but simply love them...offer them a shoulder to cry on, lend an ear if they want to talk. OK, enough with my rant...I just want us to "think"!!

**While I'm at it, though it's a different topic, same goes for singles. Nothing makes family reunions more dreadful than knowing that the long lost aunt is going to pronounce you as an Old Maid. I've been there. I've been the one eager to get away from certain people as they've rambled on about how I was never going to get married, I must not have a desire to marry, etc. The whole time, my heart was splitting because the deepest yearning of my heart was to marry & to one day be a mother. I am thankful that things did not happen in the ways in which I wanted but in the means that God had in store for me. Marriage is a lifetime covenant & is not something to be rushed into just because one is getting on up there in years. So, before you ask the single person what is wrong with them, "THINK!" & perhaps don't ask the question at all.

The Feud With Flab

Last night, I looked into the mirror & returned to the awful place I'd been many times before - disgust, guilt, shame & anger. Yes, I was (& still am) bitter with myself. After having Ezekiel, I found myself weighing 40 lbs. less than I had weighed in years. I could not believe (nor could anyone else) that I was not going to be in a battle to lose weight after giving birth. WHAT? I somehow gained hardly anything during the entire pregnancy & managed to actually lose a ton after? That was pure craziness. I was the envy of many women who were not so fortunate. No idea how such happened but I was elated about it. I looked better than I had in years & most important, I was feeling 10 times better. I was able to walk without tiring, go up the steps without sounding like a dog breathing heavily when I reached the top, I could get up & down easily without discomfort. I was fitting into clothes that I'd been unable to wear for several years & many of my clothes were coming with more wiggle room. That was then...5 months ago - even 4 months ago. This is now...

Now, 2 months after returning to work from Maternity Leave, I find that my face looks fuller once again. My clothes are tightening. I don't have as much energy. My feet hurt. I'm back to sounding like a panting animal after climbing the steps in our home. I find myself furious because I've allowed myself to go back to where I had been.

For many, they eat to find comfort when they are hurting, something to do when they are bored & the list goes on - emotional eaters. I gotta say, I just eat because truly, I love food. I love the taste of it, I enjoy trying different types of foods, tasting various flavors. If I'm being honest, if someone were to give me options of things to do all-expense paid, I'd probably want to visit as many restaurants as possible to try them out. If I had the writing ability & the knowledge, I'd probably have a blast being a food critic.

As I had a pity party for myself, I invited my husband to join me (OK, I may not have invited him as much as he felt sorry for me & joined me). I am so very thankful to have a husband that loves me regardless of what I look like, how much I weigh. No matter what, he sees me as beautiful & seeks to build me up with his words. Last night was no different. As we began to talk, we talked about our son. I shared that I don't want to die early because I am so overweight that my poor health leads me to death of a heart-attack, stroke or something. I also don't want to be living but live in misery because I'm too fat to play with my child. I don't want to be so big that I can't get in the floor to roll around with him or be so large that I can't go on walks with him or be so huge that I can't fit in a ride at an amusement park with him. Zekee should not have to suffer in his childhood because of his parents neglect to care for themselves. The thought of not being around to watch my little boy grow or having to sit inside & watch him from the windows...makes me want to bawl my eyes out.

The more NP & I talked, the more determined we both became - we have got to change. We have got to quit eating sweets as frequently (though I'm more guilty on that one), we have to watch our portion sizes, we have to drink more water, we have to go for walks or exercise regularly. We must hold one another accountable because we love one another & because we love our sweet son. NP said that perhaps when we are tempted to eat something we do not need or eat more than is necessary, we should envision the face of our son & picture him saying, "No no mommy & daddy." Yes, Baby Zeke...mommy & daddy hear the words that you cannot yet utter. We have heard, we are listening & this time, we'll do the opposite of  "children obey your parents" & we'll obey you, the child.

If you think of us, please remember us in your prayers. Seems we have so many things going on with NP starting a new job, us still being new parents, pursuing either beginning a church here or abroad, etc. This is just one more thing to add to the list. Yet, this is critical to anything else we do. While I speak of wanting to do this for our son, we realize that our first reason to do so is because our bodies are a temple of God.  1 Corinthians 6:19-20 states, " Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." Yes, we may not be getting drunk on alcohol or being sexually immoral but our overeating is definitely harmful to us & is without question, sin against a Holy God whether we want to think of it as such or not. With His help, we will honor Him with all that we have, all that we are.

24 HRS. = NOT ENOUGH HRS.

Lately, I've been feeling very overwhelmed; discouraged & like a failure as a wife & a mother. Despite my family that would tell me I am doing a great job, I don't feel like it. Returning to work was much easier than I expected it to be. Granted I was not looking forward to it & I still really wish I could just be home with our boy, I've not shed any tears having to come in. Thankfully, my new position has allowed the stress in my life to be reduced significantly & I find myself far less crabby come time to go home. In fact, I've yet to have a bad day. I am grateful for that for if my 8 hrs. at work were sour, that would really make everything worse. Still, I ask for prayer.

I wake up every morning between 6:00-6:30. Some of the mornings I feed Zeke; other mornings, NP feeds him. Regardless, by the time I do everything to get ready in the morning, I'm running out the door (late) rushing to work & often times don't even have enough time to eat breakfast before leaving. I arrive to work, go home on my lunch break & generally when I go home, Zeke is sleeping. Which, no complaints about that...he needs naps. My mom has done well with trying to hold him off until I get home so I can at least see him but sometimes it just doesn't work out & that is OK. I would rather him be well-rested & my mom get a break. I get off daily at 5:15, go home & all I see is the time ticking away. We eat dinner - usually wrapping things up between 6:00-6:30. Then, NP & I have been trying to do our Bible Time right after we eat. That in & of itself has been sometimes good, sometimes a disaster. We include Zeke as we read a story to him & pray over him. However, we find that when we go to read for ourselves & discuss, Zeke begins to fuss. We wind up distracted &/or our time gets cut short or we continue to proceed though not really "hearing" anything. Again, we could leave him in the other room but that is more time away from him. Plus, though he is young & has no idea what is going on just yet, we want this to be instilled in him from an early age - we read the Bible as a family. Like most families, we have chores to do in order keep the house clean. I recently printed a chore chart so that we could attempt to work daily so that things would get done on a weekly basis rather than having to do everything in 1 day & being exhausted. For example, on Monday, NP cleaned the bathroom. Tuesday Night should have been dusting. However, we had other stuff going on & I was tired so I didn't get to it. Last night, instead of vacuuming, I dusted the entire top floor. I'll vacuum tonight. That takes 1/2 hr.-1 hr. depending on the chore. By the time I'm done with that, very little time is left to spend with Zeke before feeding him once more & putting him to bed & tucking ourselves into bed.

All the while, I'm thinking of the things that did not get done, can't seem to ever be done. NP still has no driver's license & at this rate, never will as no one has the time to take him to practice. I'm back to work & he works too. His schedule is limited. Once I get home, I don't have the desire (nor do I think it is right) to leave my mom to watch Zeke while we go for driving lessons. At that point, she's watched him all day long & while she doesn't mind & she loves her grandson, he is our responsibility & not only is it our job to parent him but I long to spend time with him after being away from him all day long. In addition to feeling real guilty because NP's being neglected as far as driving goes, I would like to be walking to maintain my weight. Yet, I don't know when that can fit into a schedule (we have taken a few walks with Zekee before but we have found that being outside at this point really affects his allergies/sinuses. He does not do well with it) - so it doesn't happen & then I get upset about that. I'm sure there are those that would kindly offer to walk with me but in the back of my mind is, "there is no time & I'm not leaving Zeke." Maybe it is hormones or maybe I'm crazy but I look at my little boy & see him growing so fast (too fast) & I already have to miss a lot - I don't want to miss any more than necessary.

We are very fortunate in the sense that in living with my parents, there is more "free" time than there would be if we were out on our own. If we had our own place, it would be our sole job to make dinner. While I cook (& love to do so) when time allows (no one in our home would want to wait for me to get home from work & begin dinner), my mom generally prepares dinner each night. That definitely is helpful as I don't have to think about MORE time away from my son. Thank you, Mom, for that. NP & I both are appreciative.

While little time with Zeke makes me sad, I feel bad for NP too as his time is also limited with me. All of our attention is on our son when we are home & there is not much "us" time.

Not condemning any stay-at-home mom's or dad's (especially since I wish I was one) because in my opinion there is no harder (yet rewarding) job than that which you carry. At this time, doing so is not an option for our family; especially as I'm the primary bread-winner. Though you may sometimes go crazy being around your children all day long & yearn for a break (& I'm sure I might as well if I were in your shoes day in & day out), that is not the point I am at. I am a mom working 40 hrs. a week outside of the home wishing I had more hours in my days. If you too, like me, have experienced motherhood & a job away from home & you have suggestions on time management, how to balance a husband/children while doing everything else - my ears are listening!

Our Family Motto

A couple of years ago or so, the Missions Pastor from our church challenged myself & the rest of the Missions Team to find a scripture that defined our life - be it a favorite verse or something that really spoke to the heart of who we were in Christ. Not long after NP & I married, I mentioned that perhaps we ought do the same as a couple; find a verse(s) that we wanted to be representative of who we are. We did not do so. Not too long ago, some ladies from our Life Group at church returned from a Women's Conference. One of the ladies was sharing that they were encouraged by one of the speakers to create a Family Motto or, just as I had said, have a family verse. I mentioned this to NP again the other night & we sat down & began to discuss God's Word. In doing so, the above is what we decided upon. NP has known what it is to have his faith tested. Yet, even when his family turned their back on him at the time he converted to Christianity from Hinduism, he still rejoiced & praised the Lord; the God who saved him. From the time we began talking to one another, NP has repeatedly told me that no matter what comes our way, he desires that we will ALWAYS turn back to praise Jesus saying, "Blessed be the Name of Our Lord". Our faith should not be dependent upon our financial status, the home we have, if God chose to bless us with children, etc. We should, in all things, rejoice. As we raise the precious son that God has entrusted into our care - this will be our verse - our Family Motto so-to-speak. We may not have the best of the best when it comes to a place to live, we may not wear designer clothes, we might not be able to dine at fancy restaurants but we will know without question that He is, in all things at all times our provider, our Jehovah-Jireh. We will never lack for anything that He can't give & He has already given to us the very best - salvation. Yes, our family - WE WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD! WE WILL BE JOYFUL IN THE GOD OUR SALVATION!

The Beginning of Motherhood

Three months ago, NP & I welcomed our first child into the world. Over these few months, I’ve been learning a lot as my life has drastically changed. I have not learned it all & will continuing learning daily. However, I’ve come a long way since day 1. Many may be unaware & it seems it is a topic that often goes undiscussed or silenced but…I battled Postpartum Depression badly after having Zeke. I found myself crying frequently for reasons I could not explain. Of course, that is not unusual of Postpartum. Never had I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I would feed Zeke, pump, sit down, look at the clock & see that in a couple hours I’d repeat it all. My life had no purpose at the time as I didn’t feel that anything of importance was being accomplished. Granted I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing (caring for my child), I was not seeing that at the time.  Mundane moments all day long – so it seemed.  I felt like a failure as a mother – that I was incapable of doing anything right. Later, I’ll talk about my trial with trying to breastfeed. That matter also added to my depression. After crying hysterically one night (though there were many such nights), my dad suggested that I needed to get on some medication. I was very adamant that I did not want to do so – doing so would suggest that I was crazy. “Normal” people don’t have to take stuff for this surely. After being extremely transparent with my doctors about how I was feeling, they too agreed that I was in need of something temporarily. While am still taking the meds, I forget the majority of the time & thankfully, it’s not even noticeable. I’ve come to understand that it’s OK to ask for help. There is nothing wrong with admitting you have a problem. As Dr. Phil would say, “You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.”  Why am I sharing this? So that if someone else is going through the same thing they understand that they are not alone; someone else has walked in their shoes. I’ve been there. By the grace of God, I’m doing much better. So, some of the things I’ve learned over the last 3 months of parenting are:

-          My nurse practitioner’s advice was some of the best received: “Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing…this is your child, your family. You decide what works for you. And, don’t get on those d*** blogs as if you do, you’ll never feel like you are doing anything right.” Everyone wants to give advice & while some may be helpful (& even appreciated), NP & I will choose what we believe is best for our child be it to vaccinate, not vaccinate; breastfeed or feed by bottle; pacifier or no pacifier, etc.

If you have a little boy, you want to make sure the clean diaper is right there with you when you go ahead to change the wet/dirty one. There is no “spare” time with little boys as you never know when they might fire away!

-          People can be so cruel & harsh with their words (this I already knew as I sometimes am guilty myself). Originally, I had no desire to breastfeed whatsoever. Though I know God gave us ladies breasts so that we could feed our children, the concept was, in all honesty, repulsive to me. I couldn’t envision it for myself. Again, for those who choose that route, that is their business. I was not interested. Yet, I knew that financially, breastfeeding was in our best interest. I made every effort to do so but things simply were not working. While I’m sure seeking help from a Lactation Consultant may have been beneficial, we did not have money for me to do so. After trying unsuccessfully to breastfeed & then not even being able to produce enough milk when pumping, NP & I made the joint decision that it was time for me to give it up. I have had several people imply that I was “taking the easy way out” or “not trying hard enough.” I have heard it all…”kids that are breastfed have higher IQ’s; they’re smarter.” Maybe there is truth to that, maybe there is not. I don’t really care. My son’s IQ will not determine his worth & value nor will my love for him be dependent upon what his level of intellect is. My sister & I neither one were breastfed & though we may not be geniuses or great scholars, we’ve turned out OK. More than having a brilliant mind, we have manners, common sense & are rooted in our faith. Those things are far more important for Zekee to have!  Though I did not look forward to breastfeeding prior to his birth, I began to cherish that time with Ezekiel. Deciding to give it up was not easy – not easy at all. I struggled so much that I would just cry because I could not get Zeke to latch &/or my supply was not enough at all. I was not sitting around celebrating the fact that I no longer was able to breastfeed. However, Zekee having a mommy that was emotionally OK & stable enough to care for him was most important at the time. Children can sense when we are tense, when we have problems.

  

-          When using formula, it’s always best to make sure you shake the bottle to make sure the formula & water get mixed. If you don’t do this, you may find that your baby pukes all over the place later.

-          I was not the biggest fan of using a pacifier but I much prefer that than Zeke sucking on his thumb. I am certain it will be much easier to get him detached from the paci but impossible to get him away from his thumb as I can’t take his hand away. So, though he uses a pacifier & that is fine, he still seems to try to stick his entire fist into his mouth whenever his pacifier is not with him. Sometimes it makes me crazy but I’ve learned that it’s OK…it’s not the end of the world.

-          One can never have enough sleepers & burp cloths. Seems that every time I turn around, Zeke has outgrown a sleeper & is need of another one. Burp cloths all over the place…several in Zeke’s room, several in our family room. 1 goes on each sofa, 1 is on his pallet in the floor & so forth. Yet, there never seems to be one where I need it when I need it. If he’s going to spit up while I’m changing his diaper, rest assured the burp cloth is probably not near me!

-          I used to only like children once they could begin interacting & talking to me. Babies were boring. Now, I have seen that is so far from the truth. Zeke is anything but dull. I could sit & watch him all day not just because he’s my son & is so precious but because he makes hilarious faces. I am sure that before, I would think it seemed like a lifetime before a baby grew to the point I’d be interested. Now that I have Ezekiel, I’m seeing how fast time goes by. He’ll be at that age soon enough to where he’s moving all about & getting into everything. Already, I miss my tiny baby boy that would rest in my arms so peacefully.

-          People would always tell me “it’s different when it’s your own kid” in regards to liking children in general, being spat upon or dealing with poopy diapers. I assumed it would be different – hoped it would be. It is. If I were to hold a baby & saw that they were about to spit up on me, the first thing I’d do is pass them off onto their parent or someone else. Changing diapers? Forget it. I had never changed one until I was in the hospital ready to bring Ezekiel home. What everyone said? They were right. It is different. I could not care less when Zeke pukes all over me. Doesn’t bother me in the least bit to change his dirty diaper. I’m not saying it’s fun but I do it. He’s my child & I’d do anything for him. I just want him to be well.

-          I’m not above garage sales, hand-me-downs & thrift stores. We are far from wealthy (struggling to keep our heads above water & pay off debt) but everything we do have comes from the Lord & He has called us to be wise stewards. I’ve seen that Zeke outgrows things far too quickly for me to be spending absurd amounts of money on outfits when I can accept used clothes from friends/family or buy gently used clothes for far less. We are thankful for those that remember us & what to offer a helping hand be it with clothes, books, toys or whatever it may be for Zeke.

-          I insisted that Zeke would NOT be in our room with us after birth. No way, Jose’. He had his own room & that’s where he needed to be. Who thinks that happened? If you guessed that it did not, you are correct. Daddy didn’t want him separated from us along but it was I that was the one determined he would be away. Somehow, that changed immediately. I couldn’t bear the thought of him not being in the same room as us. As he slept in the pack & play in our room, none of us were getting much sleep. After a month or so, many were suggesting that he really needed to be in his own room. We finally took heed & put him in his own bed in his own room. We’ve all been sleeping through the night pretty much ever since!

I never dreamed that being a mom would be as wonderful as it is. Never would I have thought that I could ever love someone as much as I love our little boy. Having him is also teaching me a lot about how God must look at us, His children. Becoming a parent is making much more aware of my words & actions as though he may be young, he still hears & sees all that I do. He is learning from me what is right, what is wrong. I must be the Godly example the Lord wants me to be. None of us are perfect parents, nor will we ever be but daily, with God’s help, I am striving to be the very best for the precious child that He has given to me. I’m sure the challenges are not over & the battles will soon be on the way (NP doesn’t think Zeke will be difficult at any point…Haha) – prayers are always appreciated & I’m glad to pray for you too!

Baby Zeke Is Coming Soon!

At times, it almost seems surreal to me that I’m going to have a baby in less than 3 months. In fact, it’s still hard for me to even believe I’m pregnant. Yet, the fact that I am going to the bathroom a lot, have an aching back, frequent heartburn, an ever-growing belly & swollen feet serve as a great reminder. Not to mention, Zeke’s moving all about within me leaves no doubt. Words cannot begin to describe the incredible feeling to have this little man kicking. I now find myself looking down often to “see” him moving. Each time, tears begin to well up.

Psalm 139 is a passage we’ve all heard time & time again. However, it has become that much more profound to me as the weeks pass by & we go in for the ultrasounds to see our son.

¹³ For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

We know not what his skin tone, hair or eye color will be (though we have guesses & assumptions), nor how much he will weigh, how tall he’ll be. We do know though, that Our Creator, God, is making him wonderfully. As we’ve seen his tiny body begin to grow & his cute little fingers uncurl from his hands being in a ball, we have watched in utter awe. As we watch each part of his body being measured & his heart beating, we know that this is the marvelous work of Our Lord. Even though there have been a few (& praise God it has just been a few…I thank Him for that) bad days, being pregnant & experiencing this wonder is by far, one of the best experiences I’ve had in life to date. The love I have for Zeke already is a love that is unlike any other. There is a desire to do anything & everything to protect this child & I’m sure that will only grow in the months & years to come. Daily, I’m gaining more of an insight into God’s great love for us, His children as I prepare to a parent myself.

Some of you asked if we wanted a boy or a girl. While N.p. did have a preference (& he’s getting it), I did not. True, we would be happy regardless of gender as long as the baby is healthy, I had a number of people that told me they thought I was better suited for a boy. After consideration, I think they may be right. You know me. I’m not a real girly girl. I don’t envision myself having to put bows & ribbons in a little girls hair & look for pretty pink outfits every day. As I thought about myself as a teenager & I thought about girls in general, I associate girls with drama. Drama, drama, drama. I remember coming home from school or church mad at so & so because they liked the guy I liked. Tears that seemed as if they would never end. Oh my poor parents. How did they ever survive? Yep, I can deal without that for now. Who knows what the Lord has in store? Will he choose to bless us with more children in the future & if so, will there be a daughter (according to the ole’ wives tale of the pencil test, I’m slated for one more boy & that’s it)? Perhaps the Lord knows that I may be better with a boy to begin. So again, while we would have been thrilled to pieces either way, I’m happy we’re having a boy.

These last 6 months have flown by & soon, we’ll finally hold our son in our arms. Knowing the time is coming is both exciting & daunting as we think of how much there still is to do. I’ve had one baby shower & the outpouring of love was overflowing. Fortunately, we have most of the necessities. The nursery is nowhere near complete. The walls have been painted but new carpet will be installed & once that is done, the crib can be brought in as well as a storage unit, rocker glider, etc. My sister can then work her magic (she’s volunteered to decorate Zeke’s room. Since I have 0 artistic abilities or knowledge of interior design, I’m graciously allowing her to run with it). While there is much to think about, I’m really trying to enjoy my time with NP as much as possible before our family of 2 becomes a family of 3 & our lives change drastically (in a good way though!). Some of you have asked if there is anything we need or what you can do for us. Honestly, if you are wanting to give a gift…DIAPERS. LOTS & LOTS of DIAPERS! More than any gift money can buy, I ask for your continued prayers. My health has been great – no complications or issues thus far & Zeke is doing well too. Please pray that such would continue to be the case & that when the time comes, I would have a safe delivery & a healthy baby boy. Please pray that I will be well enough to continue working right up until Zeke’s birth. NP is still searching for a job so I definitely need to be working as much as I can be. Pray also that God would bring about employment for NP very soon. We are choosing to trust Him & know that He’ll provide. I am entitled to 12 weeks Maternity Leave but will only be paid for those that I have enough PTO to cover. By the time Zeke comes, that should be about 6 weeks. My intent is to be off the entire 12 weeks but financially, I’m not sure that such will be possible. Also, our plan has been that my mother would be taking care of Baby Zeke. For the last few months, she’s been battling gout & unable to even walk at times. Clearly, tending to the needs of an infant would be near impossible for her if this gout continues to take over. That being said, I now am having to begin looking for other options. Financially, that will eat away at us but emotionally, I’m having a hard time dealing with the thought of taking Zeke elsewhere. I know millions of moms do so but there is something about my son spending more time with someone other than a family member that bothers me. Knowing someone else would be bonding with him 8-11 hours a day over his mommy is difficult. Lastly, please pray that these remaining couple months as a couple will be a blessed time for us & that we may cherish our time together, growing in Christ as we await parenthood & hope to raise our son in the way of the Lord.

The Impossible Made Possible Through Him

After my strokes in 2007, I learned that I had a gene mutation making my blood prone to clotting. At that time, I received some news that was not easy for me to absorb. Those with this particular gene mutation, generally have a hard time conceiving & if they do conceive, their pregnancies usually result in miscarriages. What I gathered from that was that I might never be able to have children. I was told that should I ever conceive, I would be high-risk & would need to see a high-risk OBGYN (perinatologist) immediately.

Fast forward 5 years to the moment I knew that God was leading N.P. & I to marry one another. I shared with him the news that I had been given in regards to the likelihood that I'd never have kids. I told him that if having children was of utter importance to him, I might not be the girl for him. His response was, "Whether the Lord chooses to bless us with children or not, we will say Blessed be the Name of Our Lord & praise Him." I LOVED his response. However, that did not stop me from having such concerns again. Even the week before our wedding, I was bawling like a baby one night to him saying, "What if I can never give you a child?" He reminded me of that which he had said before as well as the fact that God is in control & that though the doctors may say one thing, that does not mean that is what will be.

Here we are, 3 months into our marriage & astounded by His marvelous work. As God has had to do with me time after time, He's again calling me to have faith & trust Him. That which I thought was most likely impossible, He is making possible. After having some symptoms of pregnancy, I took an at-home test on May 31st. To say I was surprised when the test came back positive would be an understatement. I figured I was probably wasting my money on the test because, after all, it should be hard for me to get pregnant & N.P. & I had only been married for a little over a month. I was stunned. Knowing that there was a possibility that the test could be wrong, right away I made an appointment with my doctor. They got me in within days & the blood tests confirmed that indeed, I was pregnant. Question was, was the pregnancy within the uterus. A week later, N.P. & I went for my first ultrasound & tears streamed down my face when all of a sudden, there appeared OUR baby. Now, almost 11 weeks along & after 3 ultrasounds, Baby Sharma is looking great - growing as he/she should.

Though our child is not even the size of a lime & I cannot feel him/her moving yet, God has already given me a profound love for this baby. Never thought anything could move me like this has. Each time an ultra-sound is done & our baby appears on the screen, I'm weeping in amazement at this little miracle. N.P. & I covet your prayers. Many of you may wonder...what about my health? I am high-risk & therefore, must visit the perinatologist every 2 weeks for the time being. Closer to the due date, I will have to go once a week. While I have been taken off of my blood-thinners, I must inject myself with a shot daily to help thin my blood as during pregnancy, blood clots can be even more likely. My irregular, rapid heartbeat is being monitored too as that could also effect the baby. Please pray for the health of our sweet little one that God is growing within me as well as my health. Obviously, at 11 weeks (tomorrow), we are still not out of the concerning time period. And, anything could happen at anytime. However, we are trusting that God is protecting our little one & has great things in store for this life.

While "our" plans may have included thinking of children down the road (a year from now or so), clearly, God has other plans for us. We know that His plans are ALWAYS greater too. We choose to trust Him through this exciting time & know that He will give us all we need to move into the role as not just marriage partners but parents as well. We're ecstatic over God's goodness to us & we can't quit smiling. Now, if you'll excuse me...must return to our baby name discussion. I've managed to rule out Barnabas & Bartholomew. Yep, someone (actually, a lot of people) seems to think this baby is a boy. Girl or boy, we'll love the child just the same. To God be all the glory!

The Road Ahead

April 12th was picture perfect. Roughly 70 something degrees, sun shining with not a cloud in sight & the day we’d prayed about for so very long had finally arrived. Our wedding could not have been any better. Those I love surrounded me & the man my heart adores became my husband. By now, most of you have probably seen pictures (still awaiting the ones from the professional photographer). If not, let me know…we’ll get them to you or tell you how to access them! We did not have time to talk in depth to anyone at the wedding & the most popular question we had that day & are still being asked is regarding our plans now, how long we’ll be here in the U.S. & so forth. Most of you don’t know where we’re headed at this time so here it is: After prayerful consideration & discussions with others, we have come to a mutual agreement that we should pursue a Green Card. You may be wondering why so when the plan has not been to remain here in the U.S. While obtaining the Green Card would not only allow N.P. to stay here longer & familiarize himself more with American culture, it would also enable him to come back here should we return to Nepal & need to get back here quickly in the case of an emergency. Without the Green Card, if we were living in Nepal & an emergency arose, he would have to apply for a travel visa (which, he was denied once in 2012). Not only would there be no time to do so but the cost of having to do this a number of times would outweigh the overall cost of the Green Card. I have been in contact with numerous Immigration Attorneys getting their fees & while I’m overwhelmed (we both are) by the cost & wonder where we will get the money, every part of our relationship has been orchestrated, brought about by God, involved a lot of faith & I trust He’ll supply all we need for this as well. In talking to the attorneys, their time quotes vary – roughly, 3-12 months on average to obtain the Green Card. During this application process, N.P. will be unable to leave the U.S. as doing so forfeits the application. Once we begin, he must stay here until the Green Card is granted. Within an estimated 90 days of filing for the Green Card, N.P. “should” receive his SSN & permit to work. Until then, he cannot work for pay (so, if anyone needs a volunteer to help with something; specifically ministry focused, let me know!). Meanwhile, I will continue on at the credit union although, as of May 1st, I will move into the position of Lead Teller. [Heather Wood] What about ministry? We are praying & seeking the Lord’s guidance, wisdom & direction. We know of a particular opportunity that we “may” have but also want to be open to where the Lord wants us to be. Currently, N.P. is attending church with me at my church home, First Baptist Harvester. Upon meeting the Pastor, Bob Ingle, N.P. loved him. Once he heard him preach for the first time, N.P. loved him even more. As pastors, they have much in common & we could not be any happier being a part of the flock at Harvester. However, if God wills for us to be elsewhere to serve, we want to be obedient to that. If we may ask you to pray for some things: - Pray that we would trust the Lord to provide what is needed financially for the Green Card process (attorney fees, filing fees, etc.) - Pray that the process would move quickly & smoothly. - Pray that N.P. may be granted the work permit even sooner than expected so that he can begin to look for work. - Pray for N.P. as he continues to adjust to a new place, new people, new food, new EVERYTHING! - Pray for our marriage that we might continue to grow closer to one another & that our marriage may be made stronger for the Glory of Christ each day. - Pray that God would guide us as to where He desires us to be as far as a church home/place to serve Him. - Pray for continued good health for us both – specifically N.P. though (I am in the process of getting him added to my health insurance). We are so very grateful to each of you that took time out of your busy schedules to come share in our special day (for those that were not able to, we are working on trying to get the wedding video uploaded so we may post in on Facebook for your viewing). We hope that as we were blessed, so were you too. We thank you for your ongoing prayer support. If we may pray for you, please let us know!

I'm Getting Married!!

This afternoon, my brother (of course, not my biological brother as I do not have any of those but still...I count him as my brother), came by for a brief visit. As he was leaving, he told me to have fun these last 3 days as a free woman. Granted I am not getting married on Wednesday, I do not have feel as though I'm going to be bound in chains & misery once N.P. arrives here nor after our marriage. My life (& N.P.'s) is about to change drastically. When I think of the many changes headed our way, I do not view them as chores, duties & drudgery. No, I think of getting to be married to him, getting to serve him & care for him as a honor, a privilege & a blessing from the very One who has given him to me. I write now because I know I will have no spare moment to do so before the wedding.

Almost seems surreal that in 3 short days, I will be at the airport picking up my future husband & in the coming days, we'll be busy getting everything prepared for our wedding day. There was a time in life when I questioned whether or not I'd ever see such a day. I've shared before but will do so again...I did not date in high school, I did not date after high school. I had interests but it was never mutual with any guy. I went on a few dates in my mid-20's & each was short-lived. One date was all it took for me to know that to continue on would be a waste of my time, their time & above all, the Lord's time. I was not interested in dating just to date or seeing someone just for the sake of having a boyfriend. My belief from a young age had been that if I were to date, it was with the purpose of marriage in mind. If I could not envision the guy as a potential mate for the future, no need in continuing on. My standards have always been high & I've never been willing to compromise on them. When others would tell me that I was too picky, I kept going back to the same thing.."I will not settle. I will not take less than God's best for me. When I stand at the altar one day to say 'I do' to someone, it will be for life. It will not be I do just until you make me mad a few months in & then I'm leaving you. No, I do means forever." I've been through the phase of watching the majority of my friends marry & have children by now. I'd sit on the sideline longing, praying, wishing & hoping - never willing to just give in for temporary happiness though. Thankful that through poor decisions, God's hand of protection was upon me leading me to do that which was right. Wait. Trust. Pray.

To marry at 34 is a bit unusual here in the U.S. I believe. Most, marry when they are younger. Obviously, that was not the Lord's plan for my life. In His good & perfect timing, He has not only allowed N.P. & I to meet & grow in love in the strangest of ways but He is bringing N.P. to me very soon. Wedding preparations have been taking place rapidly & yes, I'm tired. Invitations have been mailed out. My best pal has hired someone to play my favorite instrument at the wedding.My longtime friend is set to sing. The cake has been picked out as well as the flavor(s). My aunts are working on tabletop decorations. The florists has been paid & will do a fantastic job with the flowers I'm sure. The guys have been fitted for their tuxes. My bridesmaids have their dresses. Everything is getting done. As I have tried my dress on & looked at myself in the mirror, I've envisioned the look upon N.P.'s face when he sees me come into view as I walk down the aisle. I am not a girly girl. I do not like getting dressed to the nine & being wined & dined at fancy restaurants. That's not who I am. No, I am the girl happy to wear jeans, a t-shirt & eat relaxed at a burger joint. Yet, I'm hoping that on our wedding day, I'll look my very best & that N.P. will be blown away by, yes, outward beauty that day (thankfully for me, he finds me beautiful all days regardless as to how I look. In fact, he's asked before why I put make-up on & said I don't need that stuff). I know that most likely, some kind of glitch will occur during the day. That does not & will not matter. What will matter is that at the end of the day, I will be Mrs. Narayan Prasad Sharma. Though we want a beautiful wedding ceremony & pray that Christ is glorified in all that is said & done, our prayer is that in the days, weeks, months & years that follow; Christ would cause our love for one another to grow & flourish even more so. Our prayer as a couple is that He would use our marriage to be a reflection of His love to a lost & dying world.

So, as N.P. will arrive in just a few days & April 12 quickly approaches, I once again give thanks to God for His amazing son, N.P. Thank You, Father, for blessing me with this man who is passionately pursuing you & will lead me & our future family to do the same. Lord, please grant safe travels as N.P. makes his way here this week. Put a hedge of protection around him as he comes. May he be in good health & well-rested. Lord, may these days leading up to the wedding be a very special time for relationships & friendships to blossom between N.P. & so many. God, we ask You to be at the center of everything we do & who we are as individuals & as we become one. Lord, use us as You see fit. Thank You for the love You have given us which in turn, allows us to love one another. Continue to let these weeks of preparation & planning go smoothly but let not our eyes be turned away from You. May we say, "Blessed be the Name of Our Lord." Amen.

Happy 35th Birthday Mr. Sharma!

I had hoped that by this time, I’d be standing beside you as your wife celebrating your birthday with you. However, as I shared with T.R.’s students when I visited in January, Proverbs 16:9 is a reoccurring theme in my life. Once again, we had OUR plans but it is HIM who directs our steps. I trust that all of this is for HIS glory; though difficult it is to be far from you, the man my heart adores. I understand that in every relationship, there will be highs & lows; difficulties & trials. Emerging two cultures together within a marriage brings about other aspects that most couples will never face. Yet, I know that if we keep Christ at the center of our lives & our relationship, He will sustain us. In our differences, is the fact that at this very moment, your face is probably red & blushing with embarrassment that my words to you are being read before all of your friends, co-workers & students. My culture says that there is nothing wrong with displaying love & affection publicly. That can definitely be taken too far & there is a time & place for everything I agree. As a Christian bride-to-be, I want the entire world to know that God has not only poured out His love for me as He sent His only son to the cross to die on my behalf but He has shown me love again by giving me you, N.P. The Bible says that every good & perfect gift comes from the Father above. Next to my salvation, you are the greatest gift I’ve ever been blessed with. So, my dear husband-to-be, oblige me while I brag on you a bit. I can hear you now saying, “Heather, we do not boast…I am not good. We boast only in God & the work He has done.” You are right. Apart from Him, you are no good; nor am I, nor is anyone else. You have your faults as I have my faults as well. Your willingness to recognize, acknowledge, admit them & seek to be conformed into His image daily sets you apart from so many. I see that & see such beauty. With each day that passes, you become more & more attractive to me. Many things can be said on the phone, through e-mail & even on Skype. Yet, once I came to you in January, I was able to see that the authenticity I depicted over the months was actuality. I thought I was going to be meeting a guy that was sincere, real, genuine, caring, compassionate & while you were (& are) all of those things, you are so much more. Spending time with you in person, one-on-one was better than I could ever have imagined. Even so, that is not the thing that impressed me the most when I was there. Watching your interaction with others brought me to tears several time as I saw within you, the love that you have for people. I asked Shang Lama to inquire among the students what it is they like about you &/or things they admire about you. Shang shared with me that the students said that you are caring & like a friend to them. I saw that side of you in just two short weeks of being with you. I saw your caring, kind, compassionate side as I voiced frustrations & you listened & encouraged me. Definitely that was seen when I became sick & you did not hesitate at all to rush to my side to help me. You are, just as you should be, my best friend. I am thankful for the fact that even while you must be authoritative & lead your students, many of them know you & trust you as their friend that they can come to for Godly wisdom & counsel. I am so pleased to be marrying such a man. I cannot be with you on this, your special day but if the Lord wills, I will be there for your next birthday. My prayer is that of Proverbs 9:11, that by Him, your days will be multiplied & years may be added to your life.” I would like to offer up a prayer for you on this day.

Gracious Lord, Author & Giver of Life,
Today, I come to You thanking You for Your creation; N.P. I praise You because before he was even born You knew him, You created him in Your inmost being. You chose him & have had great plans for him in which You are continually working through him to accomplish Your purpose. God, I thank You not just for giving him life physically but for breathing life eternal into him by the power of Your Holy Spirit. Father, I thank You for drawing him to Yourself & for making Your will & ways known to him. I thank, You, Jesus that even from a world away as my grandparents, parents & I prayed for many years for God to send me a Godly mate; You have heard our petition & sent me N.P. Lord, we are not guaranteed tomorrow but we trust You with every moment You give us. Father, I ask that You continue to guide & direct N.P. on the path of righteousness. God, let him call upon You & seek Your face for every decision that must be made. May You fill him with Your wisdom & Your knowledge. Draw him closer & closer to Your side daily. Father, may You use him to fulfill Your work here on Earth for Your kingdom in heaven. May he be Your mouthpiece to a lost & dying people that desperately are in need of You. Jesus, may he praise You in the good times & in the bad with the understanding that through trials & tribulations, You are perfecting his faith. Father, I pray that Your hand be upon him that he may remain in good health. Give him rest when he is weary & strength when he is weak. Remind him each day that he belongs to You, he is YOUR child & You love him unconditionally forever. God, I thank You for the ways You have worked in his life thus far & I praise You in advance for that which You are going to do in & through Your son Narayan. Jesus, it is in Your most holy, precious name – the only name in which one can be saved that I ask these things, Amen.

 N.P., my love, I close this extremely long letter out by wishing you the very best birthday. Yes, 35 sounds old to you but thank the Lord for blessing you with 35 years. I love you with all of my heart & cannot wait to be Mrs. Sharma!

Insight into the "Unique One" - aka...Zachary

 I've recently done some thinking & it's occurred to me that as I've written about my closest friends over the years, I've never dedicated an entry to Zach. I guess I just saved the best for last? Not sure.  I know not when I'll be leaving the U.S. to move to Nepal but as I think about it & think about those I'll be leaving behind, I begin to get teary-eyed when I think of saying bye to Zachary. In 2008, a tall, lanky, awkward "kid" came to join the crew at Missouri Valley FCU. First impressions of Zach? Quiet & boring. Boy was I wrong! I don't recall when I finally realized that my perception of him distinctly incorrect but over the last 5 years, he's went from dull & uninteresting to being not just the person that has made me laugh more than any other but a lot more. If you would have asked me if I'd ever be best pals with someone 11 years younger than myself, that would have been a definite no. Yet, that is exactly what he's grown to be. We have learned that while we have many differences, we are A LOT alike. While we both are relatively picky eaters (& we dislike the exact same things - tomatoes, onions, etc.), we are both very adventurous with our taste-buds. There are very few people that enjoy going to try different ethnic foods - we both LOVE to do so & generally, like the same things. I can go anywhere & confidently order for Zach knowing that he will like whatever I choose because I simply must order him the same thing I am having or something that I know I would also like. When the Festival of Nations took place here in St. Louis a couple of months ago, there was no question in my mind who I wanted to go with me. I knew that I'd not have to worry about him being unhappy with the food; in fact, I knew we would share food. Share we did. He may differ from me on his musical preferences (he despises Country Music) but I believe he would admit to being suprised at the fact that I have liked the majority of that which he listens to. He hates baseball & we could fight about that all day long but it's not worth it. Our sense of humor is quite similar. Both of us being very dry & sarcastic. Many have a difficult time understanding whether or not we are kidding with them. Yet, we never have to question one another. We take great pleasure in our ability to pull a good prank on someone & are thrilled to have pulled a good one over on our former boss a couple of years ago (not sure that was nearly as amused at that moment). Not only is he someone I just really enjoy my time with but he is truly like a brother to me. I've never had an older brother & unless my parents somehow adopt an adult male older than myself, I never will. And, while Zach is younger than me, he acts like an older brother in many ways. I've always envisioned a big brother as a protector. Several years ago, I was involved in a not-so-great relationship. As I tried to move forward & had a hard time doing so, Zach would often tell me, "Heather, you deserve so much better than this." He has always been looking out for my best interest. Zach was in Kuwait when N.P. & I began talking to one another. Excited about the possibility that I thought might be ahead of me, I immediately wrote Zach to tell him all about N.P. As any good brother would do, Zach questioned me on some things. He expressed his concerns. Today, N.P. & Zach have spoken a few times & Zach is confident in my relationship with N.P. & has no doubt that N.P. & I love one another & N.P. will take great care of me. I did not need Zach's approval but I'm thankful to have received it - it means a lot to me as I value his opinion & thoughts. Zach is young but mature beyond his years. His dad may argue otherwise (actually, there is no "may"; he would!) but really, he is. I've a ton of respect & admiration for Zach. He is the "give the shirt off his back" to anybody kind of guy regardless as to who it is, if he likes them or knows them. He's the rare guy not interested in dating around just for the sheer sake of doing so or obtaining whatever he can from a girl. He's the guy that believes that once you're a parent, your role & responsibility is to parent. Your life is no longer about YOUR wants & YOUR desires but you should become selfless putting your child before you. He's the guy that might be tired, have a million things to do & be super busy but if you are hurting & need a friend, he'll drop everything to be there to listen. He's the guy that might get irritated with me & say, "Heather, I hate you" or "Heather, I want to murder you" & 5 minutes later divulge the very depths of his heart with me. He's the guy that while he might feel bad that I hurt my leg, he'll laugh at me gimping around. He's the guy that has worked hard to protect me from stupid mistakes that would harm me. He's the guy that has come to sit in an Emergency Room with me to make sure I'm OK when for sure, he had things he much rather be doing. He's the guy that taught me how to tie a scarf (yeah, I know...weird). He's the guy that can't carry a tune but sure does have stage presence. He's the guy that I have had the joy of sitting next to nearly every day for the last 5 years. As many of you may know, you oftentimes spend more time with those you work with than your own family. Not that you want it to be so but that's just how it is...we work 8-10 hrs. a day, go home, see our families a few hours in the evening & repeat. Not only have I spent a large amount of time with Zach inside of work but together, we've spent tons of time outside of work whether it be eating out, him hanging out here at our house, taking students out together or whatever...we've been with each other often. Not only is he an important part of my life but my family's life - my parents, my sister, aunt, uncle & cousins love him. He is always willing to help out when needed. Goodbyes have never come easy for me. Seems that from a young age, I've experienced many of them. Throughout the years, I don't know that I could say they've become any less difficult for me even though they've been frequent occurrences in my life. There are some that I've had the pleasure of knowing & while it's sad to say farewell at the initial moment, life has a way of just moving on. We lose contact, stay out of touch. There are others that no matter what, I still think about them often. I miss them. I think of my sister Claudia in Germany. My brother Volter on the East Coast. All of my Nepali brothers that were here in 2010 (Prasoon, Narayan, Dilesh, Keshav, Pratik, Sujan, Arpit & Ishwor). Those were hard goodbyes & even still, my heart longs to see them all. They will always, no matter where they are, be significant to me. Zach is definitely one that, when the time comes, no amount of preparation will ready for me goodbye. I am so thankful that God put this young kid in my life & even more so for the friendship that has grown between us & the relationship that I'll get to see develop between he & N.P. as well. I am absolutely elated that Zach has agreed to be the Best Man in mine & N.P.'s wedding. I'm pleased that as N.P. knows no one here, the person that has had my back & been there for me more than any other friend over the last few years will stand beside N.P. & support of our marriage one to another. I'm excited for the day in the future when Zach comes to visit us in Nepal. Anxious to see the family he'll have one day knowing that he will make an excellent husband & father down the road. We often joke...Zach is an English major & neither he nor I like acronyms. As we joke, I like to tell him he's my BFF. Yes, annoying as that is (the BFF), it's true. He really is one of my best friends & forever will be. He likes to try to make me cry. Not sure why that is fun for him but it is. He thinks back to when I learned he was going to be deployed - I was getting teary-eyed months in advance. Now, he loves to torment me & say, "I can't imagine when you leave this time. You're already about to cry now." And, he's right. Knowing that I'm moving to where I know God wants me to be & that I get do so with the person I love with all of my heart that God has gifted me gives me great joy. However, that does not mean that there is a bit of sadness when I think about leaving behind those I love the most. For those (including Zach) I pray God's best. I pray that as we go through life meeting new people & saying our goodbyes, that we would all be reminded of that which I often hear God saying to me, "Heather, I will never leave you nor forsake you." No other can ever offer that. Yet, I'm thankful...I'm thankful for Zach. I pray that I've made some type of impact on his life & that his life has been made better because of having me in it. I know mine has been enriched greatly because of him. 

One Step Closer

Nope, this is NOT "THE" dress

Seems almost unfathomable that a year ago, I stood inside the Bridal Shop in the dress that I planned to one day wear & now as things seem to continue going smooth with the visa process; that day may be coming soon. The day that I've dreamt of since long ago appears to be drawing ever closer. When we received word last week that the Petition for Fiance Visa had been approved & is now being sent to the National Visa Center, that was great news. If you know me well, you know I do not like spontaneity, don't like surprises, I like order, I like a schedule, I like to know what I am going to do & when I am going to do it. There is not, in my mind, an adventurous spirit to me. Seems fitting that I would begin conversing with a man with whom I had never met on the other side of the world, fall in love with him, decide I want to spend the rest of my life with him before I'd even met him & furthermore; agree to move to HIS country far away from everything I've ever known or everyone I've ever loved. Sounds like the norm for someone of my type, doesn't it? Yes, crazy to think that such would happen to a girl like me. Of course, I was making plans to move to Nepal before N.P. ever came into the picture but it still gives me a chuckle. For someone that likes to plan & know what I'm going to do every step of the way, my time in Nepal in January was a bit of adjustment & gave me insight to the life ahead of me. Thankfully, I'd already been a bit acclimated to the fact that most (don't want to put everyone in the same category) Nepalese don't run their lives off of a schedule. While there, I realized that as I would ask N.P., "Honey, don't we need to decide what we're going to do tomorrow" or "Shouldn't we call that person first?", those are not common occurrences there. If you want to visit, you plan last minute & you may even make an appearance without having sought approval first. There's no need to figure out what you are going to do hours in advance; much less days before. I've come to learn with my Nepalese Friends here in St. Louis that if I'm going to be invited to do something with them, it is likely I will not be notified about the gathering until the day of the meeting. Like most young girls, I would drift away into dreamland picturing myself marrying years down the road. I think most girls would state that they thought long & hard about everything they want - what kind of dress, flowers, colors, bridal party, venue, food, etc. I'm no different. When I thought of all these things, I assumed I'd have a long time to plan everything out once the guy came along. Nope. Provided N.P. is granted the visa, we will have 90 legal days from the visa grant date to marry. So, if he was granted the visa Nov. 15 for example, we would have until Feb. 15, 2014 to marry. For me, my initial reaction is to panic - so little time. Step #1. Call the church to reserve it (yes, I'll be marrying within my church). While calling, pray that the church will be available & hope that though they want 8 weeks notice, they will understand our circumstances & work with us on it. Step #2. Work on N.P.'s flight & getting him here. Step #3. Contact all of the bridal party to notify them of the wedding date & hold out hope that even with such little notice, they'll be able to take part. Step #4. Understand that with so little time, I will not have the luxury of checking with everyone to see what date works best for them. The list goes on & on. At the end of the day, as much as I want things a certain way (which, not really. No one fears my being a Bridezilla as I've pretty much given my sister & cousin full permission to do whatever they would like in the way of decorating, etc. I've given them my colors & a theme & told them they could run with it!), time is limited & some things just are not important. What matters & what I'm most excited about is the thought that this incredible man that I've been praying for all of these years will finally be here in my presence (God-willing) & our lives will be joined as one. These are the things on my mind. Yes, I want the wedding preparations & wedding itself to go well but that is not nearly as important as the marriage itself. I'll be marrying my very best friend...how could that be anything less than beautiful? God certainly has a sense of humor - never would have thought all of this. I'm glad. Thankful that He knows best & for me, N.P. is best.