Patience....Say What? You want me to be patient?!

After making the announcement that my thoughts of moving into the mission field are going to be more than just a mere thought now, it seems my life has wreaked havoc. Days after I decided to "surrender", my closest friend/coworker jumped ship to go off to further training with the Army Reserves. I have told him this but want to publicly compliment him....I've worked with many people over the last 17 years or so of my life & while I have developed great friendships & gotten along with most of my coworkers, I've never worked AS well with someone as he & I work together. The knowledge that God is calling me to something else & I can't immediately go to it, is making my time at my job that much more unbearable. Without Zach's presence, the days are far worse. Within the past 2 weeks, I've been overwhelmed with emotions - happiness, joy, excitement, anxiousness, worry, stress & much more. Through it all, I've never lost faith that I'm beginning a journey down an unbelievable road; a road that I am full of enthusiasm over. As eager as I am, I realize I must wait. As I await talking to the Missions Pastor at my church & give great consideration to going through our church's training program to be sent out, I understand that the completion of the program will take a minimum of 36-48 months. In my struggles (primarily at work), I've thought "Honestly, I have to wait 3-4 years?!" However, I know that the program will do nothing but benefit me & better prepare me for the road that lies ahead so that I can best be equipped & fully used by God. Should I choose to go through this particular program, I've MUCH reading to do. I'm ready...so ready. I just want to grab the books & dive in. This morning, as Pastor Bob preached on Joshua, he said something that really struck a chord with me...."Time waiting is not time wasted." In my mind, I've thought that anything other than the mission field is a waste for me. Such is not so as God will continue to use me during these "waiting days" as long as I continue to make myself available to be used for His glory. God, help me to be patient knowing that You have a plan for my being where I am at this very moment & that I must go THROUGH this Jericho to get to my Promised Land. Thanks Pastor Bob for your words of encouragement this morning as well as every Sunday since your arrival at FBCH!

I Surrender - Take Me Lord, I am Yours!

Growing up, I had no interest in anything mission related. Just the thought of having to listen to a missionary speak was enough to nearly bore me to tears. However, as Christ has changed my heart, so has He changed my thoughts, desires, interests, passions & all that I long for. 7 years ago, I felt God calling me to go to Colorado for a week to lead a Vacation Bible School for primarily Hispanic Students. Though frightened & feeling inadequate for the job, I went. God blessed that time. A year later, I found myself a world away - in Taiwan. Again, I was nervous & not certain that I was the best person for the job at hand. Yet, God showed me otherwise. That point was proven when one of the missionaries in Taiwan asked me to pray about moving to Taiwan to join their team. I returned home to St. Louis giving great consideration to what Wes (the missionary) had asked of me. I realized that as badly as I wanted to go, I would have been doing so for the wrong reasons at the time. In 2006, I returned to Taiwan again for a week. My task was the same as the year prior - to use the Bible to teach English to students of all ages. Though the mission was the same both years, the trips were very different for me. At the end of the week, I said my farewells & headed back here to St. Charles....my heart missing the many I had met in just 2 weeks over the course of 2 years. I began praying that God would give me an opportunity to work with Internationals here in my own community. Yet, I had no clue where to look or what to do. As most of you know, I've been volunteering with ISI (International Students, Inc.) since October 2009 & I have loved every second of it. ISI was the answer to my prayer of 3 years. I would hope that the students I've met over the last year & a 1/2 would sense my love for them & know how much I enjoy serving them. My greatest moments come from building relationships with them & loving them because Jesus first loved me. Which, my first mission trip in 2004 to Colorado, my trips to Taiwan, my work with Backyard Bible Clubs, VBS' & now ISI have all led me to where I am at now....longing for something more.

Daily, my thoughts are of the nations. Still, I reflect back to hesitantly walking into to teach the Bible at VBS in Colorado. I remember how scared I was that the kids would not like me & I'd not be able to relate to them as I'd never worked with children. I think about the adorable Joel who took to me immediately & was attached to me for a solid week. I see the beautiful Alejandra's face & in my mind, see the tears falling from her face when we said goodbye. Everyday, I think of my time in Taiwan & the many students I taught - students that I still communicate with via Facebook. They ask, "Teacher, will you come back to Taiwan?" When I'm at work, I'm wishing I was with the International Students from Lindenwood. These are my consuming thoughts. Pastor Bob (the pastor of the church to which I belong) has said on more than one occasion that God is not afraid to make us miserable in order that we would surrender (don't quote me on that...close but not word for word). I have reached that point. I've sat through 2 Mission Conference Weekends at our church over the last few years & have felt like I was to be moving in the direction of full-time missions. I've went & sat in the sanctuary, listened to Pastor Bob preach &have felt very uncomfortable at times because I've felt that he was speaking directly at me & though I heard every word, I was not taking action. Over the course of the last couple of years, I've had a number of people that have questioned me as to why I'm not overseas serving. These persons have seen within me that which I've been running from - the truth that my heartbeat is for the globe & God has made me that way. I've had a lot of excuses. My sister is the one with great faith that just picks up & moves. I am not that person. I've known for quite a long while where my heart is - my heart is with Internationals. Still, I've found a need to debate & tell God exactly why it is I CAN'T do what I believe He wants me to do. I need health insurance. I just bought a car last year & it's not even close to being paid off. I have debts. I don't have a college degree. I'm not smart enough. I don't speak another language. The list could continue for days. This past Sunday, Pastor Bob preached a story that most of us are familiar with - the Story of Noah & the Ark. Towards the end, he told how his son asked him what he would do if God asked him to build an ark. He shared that he hoped he would be obedient & do as God asked. He also said that while God had not asked him to build an ark, he felt that he had an "Noah & the Ark" moment when God told him to leave the job that he had & move his family to Kansas City to attend seminary & pursue ministry. As I sat there on Sunday morning, I KNEW that it was no accident or coincident that I was sitting there. God wanted me in that seat at that very moment to hear that specific message. As he spoke, I knew immediately what my "Noah & the Ark" moment was. As Pastor Bob pointed out, Noah did not debate or question God; he simply did as God instructed. God is not asking me to worry about the details or consider all the "what- if's" I tend to focus on....He's calling me to surrender & trust Him.

With this being said, there are no definitive plans but I have began researching, requesting information & looking into various mission organizations. I will not be on a plane booking it out of the U.S. tomorrow morning or probably even soon. For now, I need to begin to see what the options are, where I sense God leading me (if it is overseas or remaining here in U.S. working with an organization) & move forward. There are definitely a few cultural groups that I've taken a great interest in & I know that God has allowed that for a purpose. Still, I need to let Him direct my steps in this adventure & show me exactly where it is He wants me to be. I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous. However, I know that if it is God's plan for me to "GO", He will provide all that I need & so much more. As I end this, I share the lyrics to Chris Tomlin's song "I Will Follow" as I want to be the one who who says, "God, I'm Yours, whatever You ask of me, I will do." Will you pray for me as I seek to be obedient to the One who deserves my all, my everything?

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow...

All your ways are good
All your ways are sure
I will trust in you alone
Higher than my side
High above my life
I will trust in you alone

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you

Light unto the world
Light unto my life
I will live for you alone
You're the one I seek
Knowing I will find
All I need in you alone, in you alone

In you there's life everlasting
In you there's freedom for my soul
In you there joy, unending joy
and I will follow.