To Stay or Not to Stay?



Food? No thank you, I've got crayons to eat!

Cheesing it up at our garage sale a month ago!

 

This post is long overdue & much needed. Much has happened since I last wrote & we are excited to share how God has worked & continues to work in our lives. As most of you know, we moved nearly 3 months 
ago. Doing so has proven to be beneficial for our family but has definitely required some adjustment. For me, moving was not difficult but different. I had never not lived with my mom & dad. I was adapted to being with them day in & day out – even after marriage. For the first month or so, both NP & I found ourselves missing the only "home" we had known here. Though happily married & loving our time with one another, "just us" (+ Zeke) was uncharted territory that we had not traversed before & it was almost as though we didn’t know what to do. Not to fear, we’ve since discovered that the hours in our day seem to go away from us all too fast as we have very little time to sit & ponder what to do. Moving out has made me that much more appreciative of my mother & the many meals she prepared for me day in & day out. I know how tiresome it is to come home & then have to cook. I’ve a feeling I’m not the only one out there that experiences such! We have enjoyed having company over whenever we want & knowing that we’re not disturbing anyone. Zeke is beyond happy to have the run of the place & go wherever he wants (though he is now being locked out of our bedroom as he has figured out how to open the door, make it to the bathroom & kindly place all kinds of things in the toilet be it his stuffed penguin, bags of Instant Mashed Potatoes, Socks, Foam toys, etc.). In addition to his freedom here, he is absolutely loving seeing all the dogs in the neighborhood. A dog park is coming soon & though there is no playground here, I’m sure we will spend hours at the dog park with Zeke pretending to bark & longing to pet every dog that comes along! I am planning to soon try to open our home to the ladies within our building for dessert & fellowship – just a time to get to know the women & hopefully begin to establish relationships. We said before we moved that we wanted our home to be HIS home where we would minister to people & we are eager for the opportunities to do so.

As some of you may remember, about a year ago, we discussed the possibility of moving to Mumbai to serve. We were discussing a number of things but there was one dark cloud hanging over our heads – debt. Debt was the obstacle standing in between us doing anything that we felt God calling us to. Our debt needed to be paid off (or at least reduced significantly) before we could even consider anything. PRAISE GOD, the debt was paid off in March. Granted we still have a few small Medical Bills that we are taking care of, the huge dollar amount that loomed over is no more. With that being said, we wanted to begin conversations once again about ministry. We had been talking about moving to Nepal or India or staying here to work with Nepalese or Indians. However, in a way that only God could do – He revealed to both NP & myself (individually but at the same time through different means) that though we love Indian People & want all persons to know Christ as Lord, our hearts are most burdened for the People of Nepal – be it those that are in Nepal or those that are here in the U.S. We knew in that moment (& now) that God would have us work with Nepali People. The next big decision was to decide if we believed the Lord was calling us to go to Nepal or to share the Gospel with Nepalese here. As we prayed & talked, we sensed that for this time, the Lord would have us remain here. Here in St. Louis or where you may ask? That part we do not know. We only know that for this season, we are to be here in the U.S. Deciding such is not easy – our hearts long to see family in Nepal; we know Grandma & Grandpa in Nepal (as well as aunts & uncles) deeply desire to meet Ezekiel. This is not say that 2 years from now God may not give us instructions to move there, or 10 years from now He may ask us to do so. We do not know. We simply trust that for now, He wants us to be here & we trust that He has work for us to do here. Hopefully, we will at some point be able to at least visit Nepal even if only for a couple of weeks. Now, if you will….

Please join us in prayer. We recently had a meeting with some wonderful exhorters of the faith & they are assisting us. They currently are researching the demographics to find where there are large populations of Nepali Persons in the State of Missouri. We are aware that there is a great number here in Saint Louis (though not here in Saint Charles), some in Cape Girardeau, Kansas City & Rolla. Meanwhile, they are looking to see if there are more elsewhere. Where these populations are, they are seeking whether there may be an established Nepali Church or not. As they research, NP & I are praying to God for direction as to where He would have us go – be in here, elsewhere in the State or outside of Missouri. NP has a Masters of Divinity & Bachelors of Theology – he loves to preach & teach & God has gifted him to do so. Our sweet friends that we met with tried to help me understand the ache in NP’s heart as he is not fulfilling the calling God has given him. Likewise, though I’ve no degree, God has gifted me in certain ways & I long to be able to use those gifts fully. At this time, the question becomes…is there an existing Nepali Church that may have a position for NP to step into to serve as a Pastor or is there an area in which no Nepali Church is present but God would guide us to build His church there?

We are excited – excited for what God has in store with us. We continue to rejoice in all He has done for us, provided us with & the love, grace & mercy He extends to us daily. I am that person that wants all the details – who? What? When? Where? Why? How? As our sweet friend reminded us, God calls us to walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). We choose to trust Him & the plans He has for us. As we do so, will you join us in prayer? Things to pray for:

Opportunities in our current state (be it in our work places, our neighborhood, etc.)


That we would continue to earnestly seek Him, be on our knees before Him & in the Word.


That God would make clear to us where He wants to use us & that we would follow in obedience trusting Him to provide all that we need to do so.


NP’s Visa expires on 9/24/16. We are gathering necessary documents to submit to Immigration to remove the conditional status of his residency so that his visa will then be extended. We do not anticipate any issues (especially since we have a child together & have plenty of evidence to show that we are still married & living together) but the more documents we can provide, the greater our chances are for not having to face another interview. We just received the notification yesterday that we may apply for between 6/24 – 9/24. I’ve already retrieved over half the information needed & have the rest on the way in hopes of being able to mail it in the first week of July. Please pray that all would go smoothly.


Some dear friends with hurting hearts that we are ministering to. We are praying that as we love on them & share the Good News that they would be receptive to the Gospel.


That we would be granted time off work to travel to Denver for vacation. Since NP began working, he’s not really had a vacation & we’ve not been anywhere other than AL since Zeke arrived – we could use some time away together as a family, NP has a good Nepali friend from his college days that lives in Denver & what better place to admire God’s handiwork than in the Rocky Mountains?


Our precious Ezekiel – for continued good health & growth & that we as his parents would strive to discipline him lovingly, teach & encourage him. So cute it is when we sit down at the table for dinner & before we do anything else, we look to see Zeke putting his hands together ready to pray. What a blessing it is to our hearts to know that he is understanding & if we nearly forget ourselves, there is our little guy there to remind us as he patiently waits with his hands clasped together.

We cannot begin to thank you enough for faithfully praying for us even when you may not have heard from us in a while. We are most appreciative of you, our brothers & sisters, who stand beside us interceding on our behalf. As always, if you have specific requests that you wish for us to pray for, we would love to join you in doing so. We would love to rejoice with YOU as you share with us the marvelous works He has & is doing in your lives.

Jesus & Mini-Blinds

Raise your hand if you've experienced the continual chasing around of a wee little lad (or lassie)? Whew! That is our present phase. As Zekee scurries over to Grandma's laptop resting on the floor & begins to chew on the power cord, it's, "No Zeke, NO!" Pick him up, sit him in the middle of the floor with his toys & now we're onto the fireplace where he's crawled up to remove candles. Again, "Zekee, no, no!" Back to the center of the room he goes. I've turned my head one moment at he's now at the end table reaching for the GLASS Candy Jar where he's soon to hit his head on the corner of the table as well as more than likely, knock the candy jar off, break it, be surrounded in shattered glass all while trying to shove his mouth full of M&M's (fortunately this has not happened...yet). Here we go again, "EZEKIEL, NO!!" Finally, I can take a breath. Nope, hold on...now he's at the TV pulling the cabinet doors open - he's now smashed his fingers in between & is screaming with tears pouring down his face. Surely he's learned a lesson. OK, maybe not. He's back at it again. This time, pressing the buttons on the DISH Network box ready to cut our programming off for the night. I've stepped away for 5 seconds & when I left he was gnawing on his socks that he'd removed from his feet. Not the best of ideas but hey, at least he's not bothering anything that he shouldn't be. I've walked back in sight to find his interest in his socks has passed & he's yanking on the mini-blinds. Great...now he's broken them...snapped a blind right into two. Every time we turn around, we're saying "No, no, no, no, no, no, NOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Yes, this is our life right now & the above mentioned have all taken place over the course of these last few days. After feeling frustrated with the fact that Zeke had broken the mini-blinds & we now get to spend money replacing them for my parents, I began to think. Parenthood is unveiling my eyes to the Father's love for us in ways like my eyes have never been opened before. How many times do we embark upon a territory where God has graciously put red flags, caution signs & even stop lights to tell us "NO" & just as little Zeke does with us, we turn around, smile & continue about our business because curiosity has gotten the best of us or what we see looks too appealing to walk away from? Our Heavenly Father has given us guidelines to follow not out of anger towards us but out of love for us - to keep us clear of danger, of things that may harm us. We are quick to cry out in agony when we're suffering yet we have no desire to look into His face when He says, "No, no my beloved child, stay away from there or you'll get hurt" & walk away then letting out a sigh of relief & gratitude thanking Him for his warning to us & His love that is so deep that He desires the very best for us. Now, by no means am I saying that God does not allow us to walk through trials. He's assured us in His Word that it is not a matter "if" trials will come our way but rather, promises that they will & that He will walk with us through each one of them. What I am saying is, there is a lot of pain that could be prevented if we would simply listen & obey instead of giving God a "Hey, I'm gonna do this anyway!"

As I mentioned, my frustration was great over the blinds (I'd be lying if I said it wasn't still - I'm deadest on him not destroying anything else). Patience has never been my forte' . I'm reminded though, to be like Jesus is to be patient. Patience = Love. At times, I just want to know what I can do to get Zeke to obey. I want to know why he won't leave things alone (I know why...he's a typical 9 month old explorer!). I'm reminded of how many times in a day I disobey the very One who has blessed NP & myself with our lil' man. Sadly, those times far outnumber the times Zekee has to be gotten onto in a day. Still, the Lord doesn't get angry at me. He doesn't scream & yell losing every ounce of patience. No, He is loving, compassionate - as Psalm 103:8 states, "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love." Just as we tell our sweet Ezekiel, "No" & pick him up, hug him & let him know how much we love him, our Father does so repeatedly without us recognizing it. Thank You, Father, for Your mercy extended to us even when we run the opposite direction from You. Help me to be patient, loving, compassionate, slow to anger & merciful to our precious son. Less of me, more of  You. Thank You for using our little ball of energy that is constantly on the go, go, go to awaken me to old truths about You that I so needed reminded of. Now, onto pondering Christmas presents & how these will stay neatly wrapped (or wrapped at all) in the presence of Mr. Inquisitive...Haha!

Think Before You Speak & Then, Just Stay Quiet!

Over the last few weeks, I've come upon several situations that have led me to speaking up at this time. My hope is that I will cause some of you to think about what you have to say & leave it at that - a thought. To let that "I wonder" thought stay within your mind trusting that your prodding is not needed & may not be appreciated or helpful. My prayer is that you would allow God to work in lives knowing that He is does need your assistance & that His timing & plans are ALWAYS perfect.

What am I talking about you may say? How many of you see a couple that has been married for more than a few years & you badger them about hurrying up & having babies? Or, if you are not spurring them on as their cheerleader to get to business, you simply feel the need to ask if they plan to have children?

Yep, I've been there. I've been that person that has let my curiosity move from my head to my mouth & come out to people that would much preferred that it wouldn't have. You may be confused still at where I am going with this so allow me to explain...

Years ago, our family harassed particular family members about having kids - they'd been married for 8 or 9 years & we all know that is far too long to wait (since we are experts). Finally, at last...they announced they were expecting their first child. I'm sure that many wanted (& may have) shouted, "It's about time!" Little did we know that for all those years, they had been trying to conceive & were unsuccessful. We never knew (until they told us) that every time we said something, we were putting daggers into their soul. That which they longed for, prayed for & hoped for was not coming to pass & the rest of us were too busy bothering them (you know, wishing for a baby in the family & encouraging them that they should "WANT" to produce that baby)to realize that perhaps that was not God's plan for them at that time. While they certainly were under no obligation to broadcast that they were continually trying & ask us to all shut-up, they probably were longingly wishing that such would be the case. Had we have known the info. during those years, I'm sure we would have done things much different - we would have been praying & grieving alongside of them. Though, we did not know. Which, not knowing still does not excuse our actions. Better to just assume that we never know what is transpiring in someone's life or lives & simply be there as we always have been allowing individuals to share with us if or when they are ready.

Why am I writing this today? Today, I logged into Facebook to see that yet another one of my friends (the 7th one) has miscarried. Over the last 1.5 years or so, I've now found that a total of 10 babies have been taken home to heaven early due to either miscarriage or premature birth. Some of these ladies having gone through the pain twice. Some have shared their loss with Facebook others have shared with close friends keeping their loss private from Social Media. Recently, I was visiting with a friend who is expecting. As we were catching up, she was saying that the same week she learned she was pregnant, her baby sister miscarried. So, as her sister was sitting in one corner with a broken-heart, she had to find some way to try to tell her sister & other family members that she was pregnant. I thought to myself, I wonder how many people without thinking have gone to her sister to ask her when she's going to have a baby & have either been silenced by her stating that she had lost one or she keeps quiet? Either way, I'm sure she has repeatedly dealt with such & like my family members who longed to have children, buries the pain deep inside. I'm sure she's rejoicing with her sister for the new life that will soon enter the world but at the same time, there is heartache in knowing that she carried a child within & that her child would soon be arriving too.

That is just one situation. I've got another. Not long ago, I was at a party with people I'd not seen in many years. Of course, all were eager to meet NP & Baby Zeke. As we were making our rounds, an old friend came up to another friend of ours - a friend who is in a marriage that is basically dead. Our old friend asked this friend where her better-half was & she replied, "He's at work." This dear friend then asked her if they ever plan to have kiddos. Knowing the situation of our friend, my heart hurt for her (knowing how she desperately would love to be a mother but realizing that bringing a child into the world into a marriage falling apart with a man who would not be the father she desires) as she regretfully said, "I'd like to but probably not." For the rest of the time we spent with her that evening, she was fairly melancholy. You could see the wheels of hurt just spinning in her head (& heart).

I'm thankful that I've never had to experience such agony but for those who have lost children &/or may never have children (be it because of the relationship they have been told that medically, they may never conceive...which, of course is not always absolute as the Lord proved in my own case), they deal with enough. I have a couple of friends who have suffered loss & been told since that they will never be able to have children. Attending baby showers is difficult for them, watching pregnant women walk around is hard, hearing expectant ladies complain about how "fat" they are angers them as they would give anything to be carrying a little one inside. They go through plenty without people asking them questions about things that are probably not their business to begin with anyway.

I am sure that many of you may be well-intentioned (nothing wrong with wanting a Grandbaby or a niece or nephew) but if the Lord wants you to be a Grandparent, Aunt, Uncle or whatever, He will cause that to happen in HIS timing, not YOURS! You may have never given any thought to asking someone these things & most of you would be so sorrowful if you knew that you shot a bullet into someone's already wounded heart by asking them. I'm sure you would feel broken over knowing that while someone you love is battling, you were only making things worse. Yes, none of us that truly care abut a person would do so intentionally (I hope not at least) but I'm hoping that by my maybe pointing out the not-so-obvious, we might back off & allow God to be God. With that comes the knowledge that some of the people we love may be questioning, "Why has God allowed this to happen?" or "Why is God not gifting us with a child?" The best thing we can do it not worsen their pain by trying to reason with them but simply love them...offer them a shoulder to cry on, lend an ear if they want to talk. OK, enough with my rant...I just want us to "think"!!

**While I'm at it, though it's a different topic, same goes for singles. Nothing makes family reunions more dreadful than knowing that the long lost aunt is going to pronounce you as an Old Maid. I've been there. I've been the one eager to get away from certain people as they've rambled on about how I was never going to get married, I must not have a desire to marry, etc. The whole time, my heart was splitting because the deepest yearning of my heart was to marry & to one day be a mother. I am thankful that things did not happen in the ways in which I wanted but in the means that God had in store for me. Marriage is a lifetime covenant & is not something to be rushed into just because one is getting on up there in years. So, before you ask the single person what is wrong with them, "THINK!" & perhaps don't ask the question at all.

The Feud With Flab

Last night, I looked into the mirror & returned to the awful place I'd been many times before - disgust, guilt, shame & anger. Yes, I was (& still am) bitter with myself. After having Ezekiel, I found myself weighing 40 lbs. less than I had weighed in years. I could not believe (nor could anyone else) that I was not going to be in a battle to lose weight after giving birth. WHAT? I somehow gained hardly anything during the entire pregnancy & managed to actually lose a ton after? That was pure craziness. I was the envy of many women who were not so fortunate. No idea how such happened but I was elated about it. I looked better than I had in years & most important, I was feeling 10 times better. I was able to walk without tiring, go up the steps without sounding like a dog breathing heavily when I reached the top, I could get up & down easily without discomfort. I was fitting into clothes that I'd been unable to wear for several years & many of my clothes were coming with more wiggle room. That was then...5 months ago - even 4 months ago. This is now...

Now, 2 months after returning to work from Maternity Leave, I find that my face looks fuller once again. My clothes are tightening. I don't have as much energy. My feet hurt. I'm back to sounding like a panting animal after climbing the steps in our home. I find myself furious because I've allowed myself to go back to where I had been.

For many, they eat to find comfort when they are hurting, something to do when they are bored & the list goes on - emotional eaters. I gotta say, I just eat because truly, I love food. I love the taste of it, I enjoy trying different types of foods, tasting various flavors. If I'm being honest, if someone were to give me options of things to do all-expense paid, I'd probably want to visit as many restaurants as possible to try them out. If I had the writing ability & the knowledge, I'd probably have a blast being a food critic.

As I had a pity party for myself, I invited my husband to join me (OK, I may not have invited him as much as he felt sorry for me & joined me). I am so very thankful to have a husband that loves me regardless of what I look like, how much I weigh. No matter what, he sees me as beautiful & seeks to build me up with his words. Last night was no different. As we began to talk, we talked about our son. I shared that I don't want to die early because I am so overweight that my poor health leads me to death of a heart-attack, stroke or something. I also don't want to be living but live in misery because I'm too fat to play with my child. I don't want to be so big that I can't get in the floor to roll around with him or be so large that I can't go on walks with him or be so huge that I can't fit in a ride at an amusement park with him. Zekee should not have to suffer in his childhood because of his parents neglect to care for themselves. The thought of not being around to watch my little boy grow or having to sit inside & watch him from the windows...makes me want to bawl my eyes out.

The more NP & I talked, the more determined we both became - we have got to change. We have got to quit eating sweets as frequently (though I'm more guilty on that one), we have to watch our portion sizes, we have to drink more water, we have to go for walks or exercise regularly. We must hold one another accountable because we love one another & because we love our sweet son. NP said that perhaps when we are tempted to eat something we do not need or eat more than is necessary, we should envision the face of our son & picture him saying, "No no mommy & daddy." Yes, Baby Zeke...mommy & daddy hear the words that you cannot yet utter. We have heard, we are listening & this time, we'll do the opposite of  "children obey your parents" & we'll obey you, the child.

If you think of us, please remember us in your prayers. Seems we have so many things going on with NP starting a new job, us still being new parents, pursuing either beginning a church here or abroad, etc. This is just one more thing to add to the list. Yet, this is critical to anything else we do. While I speak of wanting to do this for our son, we realize that our first reason to do so is because our bodies are a temple of God.  1 Corinthians 6:19-20 states, " Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." Yes, we may not be getting drunk on alcohol or being sexually immoral but our overeating is definitely harmful to us & is without question, sin against a Holy God whether we want to think of it as such or not. With His help, we will honor Him with all that we have, all that we are.

24 HRS. = NOT ENOUGH HRS.

Lately, I've been feeling very overwhelmed; discouraged & like a failure as a wife & a mother. Despite my family that would tell me I am doing a great job, I don't feel like it. Returning to work was much easier than I expected it to be. Granted I was not looking forward to it & I still really wish I could just be home with our boy, I've not shed any tears having to come in. Thankfully, my new position has allowed the stress in my life to be reduced significantly & I find myself far less crabby come time to go home. In fact, I've yet to have a bad day. I am grateful for that for if my 8 hrs. at work were sour, that would really make everything worse. Still, I ask for prayer.

I wake up every morning between 6:00-6:30. Some of the mornings I feed Zeke; other mornings, NP feeds him. Regardless, by the time I do everything to get ready in the morning, I'm running out the door (late) rushing to work & often times don't even have enough time to eat breakfast before leaving. I arrive to work, go home on my lunch break & generally when I go home, Zeke is sleeping. Which, no complaints about that...he needs naps. My mom has done well with trying to hold him off until I get home so I can at least see him but sometimes it just doesn't work out & that is OK. I would rather him be well-rested & my mom get a break. I get off daily at 5:15, go home & all I see is the time ticking away. We eat dinner - usually wrapping things up between 6:00-6:30. Then, NP & I have been trying to do our Bible Time right after we eat. That in & of itself has been sometimes good, sometimes a disaster. We include Zeke as we read a story to him & pray over him. However, we find that when we go to read for ourselves & discuss, Zeke begins to fuss. We wind up distracted &/or our time gets cut short or we continue to proceed though not really "hearing" anything. Again, we could leave him in the other room but that is more time away from him. Plus, though he is young & has no idea what is going on just yet, we want this to be instilled in him from an early age - we read the Bible as a family. Like most families, we have chores to do in order keep the house clean. I recently printed a chore chart so that we could attempt to work daily so that things would get done on a weekly basis rather than having to do everything in 1 day & being exhausted. For example, on Monday, NP cleaned the bathroom. Tuesday Night should have been dusting. However, we had other stuff going on & I was tired so I didn't get to it. Last night, instead of vacuuming, I dusted the entire top floor. I'll vacuum tonight. That takes 1/2 hr.-1 hr. depending on the chore. By the time I'm done with that, very little time is left to spend with Zeke before feeding him once more & putting him to bed & tucking ourselves into bed.

All the while, I'm thinking of the things that did not get done, can't seem to ever be done. NP still has no driver's license & at this rate, never will as no one has the time to take him to practice. I'm back to work & he works too. His schedule is limited. Once I get home, I don't have the desire (nor do I think it is right) to leave my mom to watch Zeke while we go for driving lessons. At that point, she's watched him all day long & while she doesn't mind & she loves her grandson, he is our responsibility & not only is it our job to parent him but I long to spend time with him after being away from him all day long. In addition to feeling real guilty because NP's being neglected as far as driving goes, I would like to be walking to maintain my weight. Yet, I don't know when that can fit into a schedule (we have taken a few walks with Zekee before but we have found that being outside at this point really affects his allergies/sinuses. He does not do well with it) - so it doesn't happen & then I get upset about that. I'm sure there are those that would kindly offer to walk with me but in the back of my mind is, "there is no time & I'm not leaving Zeke." Maybe it is hormones or maybe I'm crazy but I look at my little boy & see him growing so fast (too fast) & I already have to miss a lot - I don't want to miss any more than necessary.

We are very fortunate in the sense that in living with my parents, there is more "free" time than there would be if we were out on our own. If we had our own place, it would be our sole job to make dinner. While I cook (& love to do so) when time allows (no one in our home would want to wait for me to get home from work & begin dinner), my mom generally prepares dinner each night. That definitely is helpful as I don't have to think about MORE time away from my son. Thank you, Mom, for that. NP & I both are appreciative.

While little time with Zeke makes me sad, I feel bad for NP too as his time is also limited with me. All of our attention is on our son when we are home & there is not much "us" time.

Not condemning any stay-at-home mom's or dad's (especially since I wish I was one) because in my opinion there is no harder (yet rewarding) job than that which you carry. At this time, doing so is not an option for our family; especially as I'm the primary bread-winner. Though you may sometimes go crazy being around your children all day long & yearn for a break (& I'm sure I might as well if I were in your shoes day in & day out), that is not the point I am at. I am a mom working 40 hrs. a week outside of the home wishing I had more hours in my days. If you too, like me, have experienced motherhood & a job away from home & you have suggestions on time management, how to balance a husband/children while doing everything else - my ears are listening!

Our Family Motto

A couple of years ago or so, the Missions Pastor from our church challenged myself & the rest of the Missions Team to find a scripture that defined our life - be it a favorite verse or something that really spoke to the heart of who we were in Christ. Not long after NP & I married, I mentioned that perhaps we ought do the same as a couple; find a verse(s) that we wanted to be representative of who we are. We did not do so. Not too long ago, some ladies from our Life Group at church returned from a Women's Conference. One of the ladies was sharing that they were encouraged by one of the speakers to create a Family Motto or, just as I had said, have a family verse. I mentioned this to NP again the other night & we sat down & began to discuss God's Word. In doing so, the above is what we decided upon. NP has known what it is to have his faith tested. Yet, even when his family turned their back on him at the time he converted to Christianity from Hinduism, he still rejoiced & praised the Lord; the God who saved him. From the time we began talking to one another, NP has repeatedly told me that no matter what comes our way, he desires that we will ALWAYS turn back to praise Jesus saying, "Blessed be the Name of Our Lord". Our faith should not be dependent upon our financial status, the home we have, if God chose to bless us with children, etc. We should, in all things, rejoice. As we raise the precious son that God has entrusted into our care - this will be our verse - our Family Motto so-to-speak. We may not have the best of the best when it comes to a place to live, we may not wear designer clothes, we might not be able to dine at fancy restaurants but we will know without question that He is, in all things at all times our provider, our Jehovah-Jireh. We will never lack for anything that He can't give & He has already given to us the very best - salvation. Yes, our family - WE WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD! WE WILL BE JOYFUL IN THE GOD OUR SALVATION!

The Beginning of Motherhood

Three months ago, NP & I welcomed our first child into the world. Over these few months, I’ve been learning a lot as my life has drastically changed. I have not learned it all & will continuing learning daily. However, I’ve come a long way since day 1. Many may be unaware & it seems it is a topic that often goes undiscussed or silenced but…I battled Postpartum Depression badly after having Zeke. I found myself crying frequently for reasons I could not explain. Of course, that is not unusual of Postpartum. Never had I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I would feed Zeke, pump, sit down, look at the clock & see that in a couple hours I’d repeat it all. My life had no purpose at the time as I didn’t feel that anything of importance was being accomplished. Granted I was doing exactly what I needed to be doing (caring for my child), I was not seeing that at the time.  Mundane moments all day long – so it seemed.  I felt like a failure as a mother – that I was incapable of doing anything right. Later, I’ll talk about my trial with trying to breastfeed. That matter also added to my depression. After crying hysterically one night (though there were many such nights), my dad suggested that I needed to get on some medication. I was very adamant that I did not want to do so – doing so would suggest that I was crazy. “Normal” people don’t have to take stuff for this surely. After being extremely transparent with my doctors about how I was feeling, they too agreed that I was in need of something temporarily. While am still taking the meds, I forget the majority of the time & thankfully, it’s not even noticeable. I’ve come to understand that it’s OK to ask for help. There is nothing wrong with admitting you have a problem. As Dr. Phil would say, “You can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge.”  Why am I sharing this? So that if someone else is going through the same thing they understand that they are not alone; someone else has walked in their shoes. I’ve been there. By the grace of God, I’m doing much better. So, some of the things I’ve learned over the last 3 months of parenting are:

-          My nurse practitioner’s advice was some of the best received: “Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing…this is your child, your family. You decide what works for you. And, don’t get on those d*** blogs as if you do, you’ll never feel like you are doing anything right.” Everyone wants to give advice & while some may be helpful (& even appreciated), NP & I will choose what we believe is best for our child be it to vaccinate, not vaccinate; breastfeed or feed by bottle; pacifier or no pacifier, etc.

If you have a little boy, you want to make sure the clean diaper is right there with you when you go ahead to change the wet/dirty one. There is no “spare” time with little boys as you never know when they might fire away!

-          People can be so cruel & harsh with their words (this I already knew as I sometimes am guilty myself). Originally, I had no desire to breastfeed whatsoever. Though I know God gave us ladies breasts so that we could feed our children, the concept was, in all honesty, repulsive to me. I couldn’t envision it for myself. Again, for those who choose that route, that is their business. I was not interested. Yet, I knew that financially, breastfeeding was in our best interest. I made every effort to do so but things simply were not working. While I’m sure seeking help from a Lactation Consultant may have been beneficial, we did not have money for me to do so. After trying unsuccessfully to breastfeed & then not even being able to produce enough milk when pumping, NP & I made the joint decision that it was time for me to give it up. I have had several people imply that I was “taking the easy way out” or “not trying hard enough.” I have heard it all…”kids that are breastfed have higher IQ’s; they’re smarter.” Maybe there is truth to that, maybe there is not. I don’t really care. My son’s IQ will not determine his worth & value nor will my love for him be dependent upon what his level of intellect is. My sister & I neither one were breastfed & though we may not be geniuses or great scholars, we’ve turned out OK. More than having a brilliant mind, we have manners, common sense & are rooted in our faith. Those things are far more important for Zekee to have!  Though I did not look forward to breastfeeding prior to his birth, I began to cherish that time with Ezekiel. Deciding to give it up was not easy – not easy at all. I struggled so much that I would just cry because I could not get Zeke to latch &/or my supply was not enough at all. I was not sitting around celebrating the fact that I no longer was able to breastfeed. However, Zekee having a mommy that was emotionally OK & stable enough to care for him was most important at the time. Children can sense when we are tense, when we have problems.

  

-          When using formula, it’s always best to make sure you shake the bottle to make sure the formula & water get mixed. If you don’t do this, you may find that your baby pukes all over the place later.

-          I was not the biggest fan of using a pacifier but I much prefer that than Zeke sucking on his thumb. I am certain it will be much easier to get him detached from the paci but impossible to get him away from his thumb as I can’t take his hand away. So, though he uses a pacifier & that is fine, he still seems to try to stick his entire fist into his mouth whenever his pacifier is not with him. Sometimes it makes me crazy but I’ve learned that it’s OK…it’s not the end of the world.

-          One can never have enough sleepers & burp cloths. Seems that every time I turn around, Zeke has outgrown a sleeper & is need of another one. Burp cloths all over the place…several in Zeke’s room, several in our family room. 1 goes on each sofa, 1 is on his pallet in the floor & so forth. Yet, there never seems to be one where I need it when I need it. If he’s going to spit up while I’m changing his diaper, rest assured the burp cloth is probably not near me!

-          I used to only like children once they could begin interacting & talking to me. Babies were boring. Now, I have seen that is so far from the truth. Zeke is anything but dull. I could sit & watch him all day not just because he’s my son & is so precious but because he makes hilarious faces. I am sure that before, I would think it seemed like a lifetime before a baby grew to the point I’d be interested. Now that I have Ezekiel, I’m seeing how fast time goes by. He’ll be at that age soon enough to where he’s moving all about & getting into everything. Already, I miss my tiny baby boy that would rest in my arms so peacefully.

-          People would always tell me “it’s different when it’s your own kid” in regards to liking children in general, being spat upon or dealing with poopy diapers. I assumed it would be different – hoped it would be. It is. If I were to hold a baby & saw that they were about to spit up on me, the first thing I’d do is pass them off onto their parent or someone else. Changing diapers? Forget it. I had never changed one until I was in the hospital ready to bring Ezekiel home. What everyone said? They were right. It is different. I could not care less when Zeke pukes all over me. Doesn’t bother me in the least bit to change his dirty diaper. I’m not saying it’s fun but I do it. He’s my child & I’d do anything for him. I just want him to be well.

-          I’m not above garage sales, hand-me-downs & thrift stores. We are far from wealthy (struggling to keep our heads above water & pay off debt) but everything we do have comes from the Lord & He has called us to be wise stewards. I’ve seen that Zeke outgrows things far too quickly for me to be spending absurd amounts of money on outfits when I can accept used clothes from friends/family or buy gently used clothes for far less. We are thankful for those that remember us & what to offer a helping hand be it with clothes, books, toys or whatever it may be for Zeke.

-          I insisted that Zeke would NOT be in our room with us after birth. No way, Jose’. He had his own room & that’s where he needed to be. Who thinks that happened? If you guessed that it did not, you are correct. Daddy didn’t want him separated from us along but it was I that was the one determined he would be away. Somehow, that changed immediately. I couldn’t bear the thought of him not being in the same room as us. As he slept in the pack & play in our room, none of us were getting much sleep. After a month or so, many were suggesting that he really needed to be in his own room. We finally took heed & put him in his own bed in his own room. We’ve all been sleeping through the night pretty much ever since!

I never dreamed that being a mom would be as wonderful as it is. Never would I have thought that I could ever love someone as much as I love our little boy. Having him is also teaching me a lot about how God must look at us, His children. Becoming a parent is making much more aware of my words & actions as though he may be young, he still hears & sees all that I do. He is learning from me what is right, what is wrong. I must be the Godly example the Lord wants me to be. None of us are perfect parents, nor will we ever be but daily, with God’s help, I am striving to be the very best for the precious child that He has given to me. I’m sure the challenges are not over & the battles will soon be on the way (NP doesn’t think Zeke will be difficult at any point…Haha) – prayers are always appreciated & I’m glad to pray for you too!